Edition #7, July, 2011

July 1, 2011

“OLD BONES” NEWS

BIRTHDAYS IN THE MONTH OF JULY

♫ Happy Birthday!

 Y Madeline and Donald Y

 

Jun 25 to Jul 04 –      Apple Tree

Apple Tree (Love) — quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

 

Jul 15 to Jul 25 –       Elm Tree

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) — pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.                                 

PLEASE DON’T FORGET to bring your recipes in for our fund-raiser project. 

 

Barbeque slow-cooked beans

(Adapted from a recipe in the Moosewood Restaurant Low-Fat Favorites cookbook)

1 lb dried white (navy or kidney) beans, soaked overnight, or two cans white (navy or kidney) beans, drained and rinsed
One medium onion, diced
2 cloves of garlic, minced
½ cup of barbeque sauce (low fat or low sodium varieties, if desired; chipotle variety if you prefer it spicy)
¼ cup ketchup
¼ cup Dijon mustard
¼ cup maple syrup
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 cup water

If used dried beans, place in saucepan and cover with water two inches over beans. Add diced onion and minced garlic; bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for one hour, or until beans are soft, adding more hot water if necessary. Drain.

If using canned, sauté onion and garlic in a frying pan with a small amount of olive oil.

Mix all ingredients in crockpot. Cook 8-10 hrs on low

Article By: Jennifer Gruden

 

Lobster

While no one has yet found a way to determine the exact age of a lobster, the scientific community estimates that, based on body size, it may live as long as 100 years in some cases

 

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE


Amazing how your values change as you age!

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
“Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.  I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Submitted by Cheryl

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Flynn said, “Why would you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

PEARLS OF SCOTTISH WISDOM.

1.         Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it      is on a bicycle.

2.         Forgive your enemy, but remember the bxxxxxxd’s name.

3.         Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4.         Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5.         Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.                                   

Submitted by Stella

Women Drivers!

 

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand.  In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs! Splashed and burned Big Bob and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!                                                                                                               Submitted by Ted

 

 

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently.. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “Oh Canada” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!                                                                                                  Submitted by Cheryl

 

 

“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Submitted by Cheryl

The Pastor on his Death Bed

 

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, ‘Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?’
The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, ‘Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.’                                                                                                       Submitted by Barbara

 

 

 

 

I’M FINE!!  HOW ARE YOU?

There’s nothing the matter with me, I’m just as healthy as can be,

I have arthritis in both knees, and when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.

My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, but I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

All my teeth have had to come out, and my diet I hate to think about.

I’m overweight and I can’t get thin, But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

And arch supports I need for my feet. Or I wouldn’t be able to go out in the street.

Sleep is denied me night after night, but every morning I find I’m all right.

My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin. But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Old age is golden I’ve heard it said, But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.

With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, and my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.

And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent, Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!

But really I don’t mind, when I think with a grin, of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the paper and read the obits.

If my name is missing, I’m therefore not dead, so I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds, is that for you and me, who are growing old.

It is better to say “I’m fine” with a grin, than to let people know the shape we are in.

I’M FINE!!  HOW ARE YOU?                       Submitted by Barbara

T H E   I T A L I A N   E L B O W

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.

There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button  301.

I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.

When you get out, I’mma on the left. With you r  elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
“What??? You coming empty handed?”                                                 Submitted by Stella

BROWSING OLD CEMETERIES

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread, and the lord sent them manna.

Clark Wallace wanted a wife, and the devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, Cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not rising.

A lawyer’s epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.  Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is strange.

John penny’s epitaph in the windborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a penny.        

Submitted by Ted

 


Subject: Come Back Lines

Man:                “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”

Woman:           “It’s in the phone book.”

Man:                “But I don’t know your name.”

Woman:           That’s in the phone book too.”

Man:                “Is this seat empty?”

Woman:           “Yes and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man:                “So, wanna go back to my place?”

Woman:           “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man:                “So what do you do for a living?”

Woman:           “I’m a female impersonator.”

Submitted by Ted

It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?”

The neighbour says “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh …. I’m so very sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

Submitted by Ted

Subject:  Yellow Light.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.  The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.  The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up… He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.  He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus  Do’  bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me To Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish  emblem on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”                                Submitted by Ted

Top Adult Joke Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’

‘I know,’ the old man said.  ‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.’

‘Well,’ Granny snickered.  ‘Let’s relive some old times.’

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My breast is as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’

  ‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps.   ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
SEX AT 82!

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!   

I’m sooooo happy, because I live at 73…..so it’s not far to walk home afterwards!                     Submitted by Ted

GRANNY WAS ONLY FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS

Miss Granny was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon, early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her parlor.

He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. Floating in the water, of all things, was a condom.

 Imagine his shock! Surely Miss Granny had flipped! But he felt he couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got to him, he could resist no longer.

“Miss Granny, I wonder if you could tell me about this?” he said pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. ….

Submitted by Barbara

 

 

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT
This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle. You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!  It is from an orthopedic surgeon. This will boggle your mind and it will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can’t. It’s pre-programmed in your brain! 
 
1). Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.   
Now, while doing this, draw the number ‘6’ in the air with your right hand.
 
Your foot will change direction.  

I told you so!   And there’s nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.  

                                                                                                                                    Submitted by Ted

 

 

Medieval Joke

If you want to be cured of I don’t know what, take this herb of I don’t know what name, apply it I don’t know where and you will be cured I don’t know when.

 

ANOTHER CHAPTER OF “THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!!

Actual call center conversations!

 

HELLO, OPERATOR

Customer:         ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?’

Operator:         ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’

Customer:         ‘It’s on the door of your business.’

Operator:         ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

 

Directory Enquiries

Caller:              ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’

Operator:         ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?’

Caller:              ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven..

Operator:        ‘Woven? Are you sure?’

Caller:             ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland …’

 

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.’

 

Samsung Electronics

Caller:              ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’

Operator:         ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’

Caller:              ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine                  from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the                                number for Jack?’

Operator:         ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’

 

Tech Support:      ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’

Customer:             ‘OK.’

Tech Support:      ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’

Customer:             ‘No.’

Tech Support:      ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’

Customer:             ‘No.’

Tech Support:      ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’

Customer:            ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’

 

Tech Support:      ‘OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’

Customer:             ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’

 

Caller:  ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?’

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)

‘If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’                                                                                                                 Submitted by Ted

 

Funny yet sad.  Comments made in the year 1955! That’s only 55 years ago!

‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $10.00.

‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one…

‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.

‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?

‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.

‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let   Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President..

‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women have to work to make ends meet.

‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

‘There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

‘No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.’

‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it

 

 

SPIRITUAL

 

Humanity

 

The headline caught my eye and I reeled in shock, 30,000 children between 7 and 18 are used as soldiers in three dozen wars around the world and further thirty millions are displaced by these conflicts robbed of their birthright, robber of their freewill, robbed of their dignity, robbed of Christian faith and robber of their mother’s love.

As I bowed my head in sorrow I could not but help think of the many men who had fought and lost their lives to prevent just this type of tragedy to happen.  Was it in vain?

I cannot help but reflect on the words of a theologian I heard recently when she said that God made us to His image and He made us to perfection but as He looked into the oven at Auschwitch and saw the bleached bones He must have cried for He gave mankind freewill.

It has been 2000 years that the message rang out in the skies “Glory to God, Peace on Earth, the Savior is born.”  As a human being He tackled the same issues that surround us this day and the guide lines He gave us are still sacred to this day. 

He also kindled the flame of love in our hearts by His death and resurrection. That flame will never go out and will shine against all tyranny as long as humanity exists.                                                    

Submitted by Frank (Social Justice Committee)

 

Answers to questions we may ask

Q         Does alcohol makes you snore louder

A         True – alcohol relaxes the tissue at the back of your throat, causing it to collapse into the airway and       vibrate easier. 

Q:        Dolphins do not sleep

A.        Dolphins do sleep, but only with one half of their brain at a time. They are conscious breathers, meaning they need to keep breathing while they sleep. 

Q:        The wife of the 1992 British Snoring champion is deaf in one ear. How loud was his snore?

A         answer is 92 decibels. Champion Melvin Switzer had a 92 decibel snore louder than a pneumatic           drill.

Q         Cows can sleep and dream while standing up

A         Cows can sleep standing up, but can only dream lying down. 

Q:        It is possible to sleep with your eyes open

A         Many parents claim their babies sleep with their eyes open or partially open. Sleepwalkers are   technically asleep even though they have their eyes open and appear to be awake. 

HISTORY

 

The autonomous Dominion of Canada, a confederation of Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and the future provinces of Ontario and Quebec, is officially recognized by Great Britain with the passage of the British North America Act.

During the 19th century, colonial dependence gave way to increasing autonomy for a growing Canada. In 1841, Upper and Lower Canada–now known as Ontario and Quebec–were made a single province by the Act of Union. In the 1860s, a movement for a greater Canadian federation grew out of the need for a common defense, the desire for a national railroad system, and the necessity of finding a solution to the problem of French and British conflict. When the Maritime Provinces, which sought union among themselves, called a conference in 1864, delegates from the other provinces of Canada attended. Later in the year, another conference was held in Quebec, and in 1866 Canadian representatives traveled to London to meet with the British government.

On July 1, 1867, with passage of the British North America Act, the Dominion of Canada was officially established as a self-governing entity within the British Empire.

Two years later, Canada acquired the vast possessions of the Hudson’s Bay Company, and within a decade the provinces of Manitoba and Prince Edward Island had joined the Canadian federation. In 1885, the C P R was completed, making mass settlement across the vast territory of Canada possible.

On June 20, 1868, the Governor General proclaimed that Canadians should celebrate the anniversary of confederation. In 1879 July 1 became a statutory holiday, known as Dominion Day. However, no official celebrations were held until the 50th anniversary in 1917 and the 60th anniversary in 1927. After World War II, Dominion Day was celebrated more frequently and more events were organized by the national government. After the centenary of the confederation in 1967, Dominion Day events became more widespread. July 1 officially became known as Canada Day from 1983 onwards.

In the province of Quebec, many home leases start on July 1 and last for exactly one year. Hence, many people in Quebec spend Canada Day moving their possessions from one house to another. In this province, Canada Day is also known as Moving Day.   The interesting thing about the yearly lease for everyone beginning on July 1 originated in Scotland and was instituted in Quebec by Scottish landlords in the very early days.

In the province of Newfoundland and Labrador, July 1 is also Memorial Day. This commemorates the heavy loss of life in the Newfoundland Regiment on the first day of the Battle of the Somme during World War I. In Newfoundland and Labrador, the morning of July 1 is usually somber. Flags are flown at half-mast and memorial services are held at cenotaphs (war memorials). In the afternoon, Canada Day celebrations in the province are similar to those in the rest of the country

 

This year, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This happens once every 823 years. This is called money bags. So, forward this to your friends and money will arrive within 4 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui the one who does not forward. Will be without money.                                   Submitted by Cheryl

Take me out to the Ball Game

To anyone who’s never seen a ball game,

There’s an awful lot you have to explain.

As I found out when I took an old friend,

For at first he questioned me without end.

“Why do they call that a diamond out there.

When for Heaven’s sake it’s perfectly square.

And where’s the pitcher’s box I’ve read about.

From which they say he often gets knocked out?”

“Why on earth do they call that the bullpen,

When there’s no bull in it, just a few men.

Still, that’s no worse than a “diamond” that’s square,

Or a “pitcher’s box” when there’s no such affair?”

When he heard it announced, “Jones stole a base”

He said, with a surprised look on his face.

“What does he mean, for I still can see three?

So what he said doesn’t make sense to me.”

“Why is it, when a man gets a good clout,

He takes off for first base, running full out.

While others, who haven’t tried for a hit,

Just slaunter leisurely over to it?”

“Why dopes the pitcher put on such a show,

Quite often before he lets the ball go.

He fiddles with his cap, then kicks the ground,

Picks up, and drops  that bag, and looks around.”

“Tell me, why does the catcher take a walk,

Out to the pitcher just to have a talk.

While this huge crowd of people has to wait,

Till he’s ready to go back to home plate?”

“I’ve always understood “Struch out” meant,

A certain person had got up and went.

But that player didn’t head for anywhere.

He just went back to his seat under there.”

By the time he’d seen four innings of play.

He’d no more questions to fire my way.

For he’d learned the rudiments of the game.

And started calling the plays as they came.

H. V. Louttit                 Submitted by Frank

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