Edition 4, Issue 02, MARCH 2012

March 7, 2012

 “OLD BONES” NEWS 


Angela Ad Hoc Committee, Ambassador – St. Michel/Rosemount Satellite
Barbara ad Hoc Committee, Treasurer, St. Michel/Rosemount Satellite
Frank . Ad Hoc Committee, Welcome Committee e, St. Michel/Rosemount Satellite
Elizabeth  Ad Hoc Committee, ST. Michel/Rosemount Satellite
Ilya Pichur, Sous-Chef, Exercise instructor, ST. Michel/Rosemount Satellite
Janet Stubbert, AD Hoc Committee, Editor “Old Bones” News, ST. Michel/Rosemount Satellite

 

 

March Birthdays

♫  Y Nasir & Ilya  Y

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mar 01 to Mar 10 –    Weeping Willow Tree

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) – likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

 

 

 

 

Mar 11 to Mar 20 –    Lime Tree

Lime Tree (Doubt) — intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.
 News

 

ST. PATRICK’S DAY LUNCH

Date: Tuesday, March 13, 2012   Time: 11:45 am

Dinner will be: Corned beef and cabbage, boiled potatoes, Irish coffee and dessert.

Entertainment: Greg Inniss

Price: $12.00 for members, $15.00 for non-members

Tickets are non-transferrable and non-refundable

 

HAWAIIAN THEMED MOTHER’S DAY

Date: Tuesday May 15, 2012       Time: 11:45

Dinner will be: Pineapple chicken, mashed potatoes, vegetables, Hawaiian punch and dessert.

Price: $12.00 for members, $15.00 for non-members

Tickets are non-transferrable and non-refundable

 

If you have any questions call the Almage office at 514 355-1712

 

News from Almage Rosemount /St. Michel Centre

 

Please take note: Our Satellite will be closed on Easter Monday April 9th

 

MEMBERSHIP RENEWAL:

 

Starting Monday, April 2, 2012 you will be able to renew your 2012-2013 membership.  Please note that a renewed membership is required to take part in Almage activities and/or programs.  Membership for the year is twenty-five dollars ($25.00).  

 

It is also time to renew your subscription for the (Almage) newsletter.  If you would like to receive the newsletter at home the cost to cover the postage is seven dollars $7.00.

 

Joanne will be visiting our satellite to collect your membership dues (and provide you with a receipt) 

 

Please keep in mind that the fiscal year for Almage begins April 1st and ends March 31 of the following year.

 

CHEF and SOUS-CHEF:

We have great news to share with those of you who have been away from the group for various reasons… First of all, Welcome back.  We miss you when you are not here.

 

The news is that we now have a volunteer cook, Madeline who will work side-by-side with our sous-chef, Ilya.   On behalf of all the members, welcome Madeline.

 

MYRIAM BEAUDOIN

 

Unfortunately, Myriam will finish her stage with us this month.  We have come to know, love, and depend on her and will find a big empty space in our group with her departure.

 

We wish her continued success in her professional life and in her up-coming marriage.

 

The Results of the survey Re: Norms of the group, conducted by Myriam are as follows:

 

First: Honesty

Second: Friendliness

Third: Accountability

Fourth: Accurate record keeping

Fifth: Support

 

The winner of the prize for completing the survey was Pat Madden.

 

NOTE: Please speak with Barbara, Elizabeth, Frank or Angela if you wish to share your suggestions on how we should thank Myriam for her kind dedication and support.

 

DAY TRIP

 

On February 20th we visitedSt. Joseph’s Oratory.  The exhibit featuring “Nativity” scenes from around the world was excellent.  After visiting the souvenir store we lunched at Nickels Restaurant where we were received and served well.

 

Our bus driver was friendly and helpful.  We send out a very special ‘Thank You” to the driver and to his employer for their kindness.  We all really appreciated it  we all had a wonderful day.

UP-COMING DAY TRIPS

 

1        Lunch:  Kelly’s Pub in Point Clare. Departure: March 19th at 9:30

          Gilbert & Daughter have offered tea, coffee, cookies plus a 30% discount on anything you           purchase in their store. 

          Departure for home: 2:00 o’clock.

          Cost for the   bus $5.00

 

2        Plans are being made to attend a Sugaring off partying April.  Further details will follow.

 

 

WELCOME BACK

 

Members Helena and Nasir are back at home with us.  Hooray!  Welcome home.

 

VISITORS:

 

We were very happy to have the following dignitaries attend our December Fundraiser held on December 5th, 2011:  Monsieur François W. Croteau, Mayor of Rosemont-La Petit-Patrie,  Monsieur Marc Gadoury, Madame Claudia Citta, Fatiha Guemiri – REISA and Maria Maiolo – Servici.

 

It was a pleasure to have them visit our Center and spend the afternoon with us. 

 

On January 23rd, 2012 we were to have a visit from Alexandre Boulerice, NDP member for Rosemont-La Petite-Patrie.  Unfortunately, Mr. Boulerice could not come because of an unforeseen Press Conference held inOttawaat 11 am that day.   

 

In his place he sent his representatives, Eric Demers, and Mari Vilain.  They were wonderful ambassadors, bringing us up to date on the present situation and graciously answering all our questions.

 

A very special ‘thank you’ to Eric Demers, Mari Vilain, Mayor François Croteau, Monsieur Marc Gadoury Madame Claudia Citta, Fatiha Guemiri – REISA and Maria Maiolo – Servici for taking time out of their very busy schedules to visit with us.

 

 

LINE DANCING

 

A professional line dance instructor, Mrs. Pelletier joined us at the Centre for a half hour line dance demonstration.   Unfortunately, she felt she could not communicate in English well enough to continue going forward.

 

Barbara will provide a video of an instructor teaching a line dance class.  Perhaps we can learn the different dances that way.   I believe it is worth a try…What say you?

 

CHOCOLATE FUNDRAISER:

 

Together with Joe Labelle and the Knights of Columbus, we are selling Almond, Rice Crisp andCarmelchocolate bars at $1:00 each as an on-going fund-raiser for our group.  Thanks’ Joe.

 

 

SAINT PATRICK’S DAY THEME FUND RAISER

 

Unfortunately Chef Fraser Matheson will NOT be available to assist us in our fundraiser on March 12th.  Therefore the menu will include Irish stew, Irish coffee and dessert


SUBJECT: TWO ETHICAL QUESTIONS

Question 1:  If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three of whom were deaf, two blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

 

Please read the next question before reading the answer to this one.

 

Question 2:  It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts.  Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

 

Candidate A

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with Astrologists.  He’s had two mistresses.  He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

 

Candidate B

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

 

Candidate CF

He is a decorated war hero.  He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had any extramarital affairs.

 

Which of these candidates would be your choice?                                    Submitted by Jennifer

Decide first, no peeking, and then check for the answer on the last page.

 

 

Questions and Answers:

 

Q:      Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the           left?

 

A:      When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes     on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons     on the maid’s right!  And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.

 

 

Q.      Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?

 

A:      In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often           signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the           document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Submitted by Ted


Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you, too. Don’t laugh….  It is all true!
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond!

 

1.         Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

 

2.         In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

 

3          No one expects you to run — anywhere.

 

4.         People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, ‘Did I wake you?’

 

5.         People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

 

6.         There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

 

7.         Things you buy now won’t wear out.

 

8.         You can eat supper at 4 PM.

 

9.         You can live without sex but not your glasses.

 

10.       You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

 

11.       You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

 

12.       You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

 

13.       You sing along with elevator music.

 

14.       Your eyes won’t get much worse.

 

15.       Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

 

16.       Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

 

17.       Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

 

18.       Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

 

19.       You can’t remember who sent you this list.   And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.  

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: NEVER, NEVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!                                                  Submitted by Stella

 

Quote:

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.               George Carlin

 

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

 

I can’t look that old?

 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old? Well……you’ll love this one!

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.          

 

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?     

 

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.    

 

This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school.

 

‘Yes, yes I did. I’m a morganner! ‘He beamed with pride.

 

‘When did you leave to go to college?’ I asked

 

He answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?

 

‘You were in my class!’ I exclaimed.

 

He looked at me closely. Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, grey haired, decrepit, B*****d asked

 

“’What did you teach?’                                                         Submitted by Stella

 

 

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

 

‘Tell me, ‘said the passer-by, ‘What on earth are you doing?’

 

‘Well, ‘said the digger, ‘Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.

 

Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn’t mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?’

 

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.

 

The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

 

The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?” The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.” 

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says,

 

 “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.”

 

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says,

 

“Well, what are we going to tell the police?” 

 

“Well,” the priest says, “I don’t know what your aft’ to be tellin’ them.  But I’ll be tellin’ them I wasn’t the one drinkin’.” 

 

 

FORGOT MY GLASSES!

 

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time.  She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.   I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

 

She said “Are you nuts?  You’re almost 70 years old and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

 

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses!  This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!”
I’m in trouble again, and I don’t know what to do!  I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.                             Submitted by Stella

 

 

An Irish lass, a customer: ‘Could I be trying on that dress in the window?’

Shopkeeper: ‘I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.’                          Submitted by Ted

 

 

An American lawyer inquired, ‘Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?’

‘Who told you that?’ asked Paddy.                                                          Submitted by Ted


Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says
“Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins.”
They look nervously at each other but nod OK.
The first priest says “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system.”
They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts “Wellll……with me, it’s gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system.”
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says “This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out lass, and spend a week with her. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system.”
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn’t say anything. Then one of the four speaks up “Come now, we’ve all told our innermost faults. It’s your turn.”
He looks at the others and starts hesitantly “Welllllll….. I’m an inveterate gossip, and I can’t wait to get off this train!” 

 

 

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

 

When he enteredClinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

 

“Just think,’ he said, ‘when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn’t do something so self-indulgent!”

 

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

 

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:

“I found out who p****d in your saxophone.”                               Submitted by Ellen

 

The Psychiatrist & the Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. 
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors”. Their small town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids”.  

 

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. “Catatonics and High Colonics” –  

 

 No go. Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives” – thumbs down again.

 

Then came “Minds and Behinds” – still no good.  

 

Another attempt resulted in “Lost Souls and Butt Holes” – unacceptable again!  

 

So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts” – not a chance.  

 

“Nuts and Butts” – no way. “Freaks and Cheeks” – still no good.    “Loons and Moons” – forget it.  Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends”. Everyone loved it.                Submitted by Ellen

 

 

Teacher:   If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny:      Seven, Sir.

Teacher:    No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another            2, how many will you have?

Johnny:     Seven

Teacher:    Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2                        apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny:      Six.

Teacher:    Good boy, now you got it! So now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats         and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny:      Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher:  Where the in hell do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny:      Because I’ve already got a  @#*/ cat at home!!!     Barbara

 

Subject: FW: Talk about a Senior Moment

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down looking for my keys. A quick search in my pockets and the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot.

 

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

 

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these.

“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice, “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!” Submitted by Barbara

 

 Subject: the miracle of toilet paper

 

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small… Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

 

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds…

 

‘Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror .

‘How long will this take?’ I ask.

 

They will grow larger over a period of years,’ my husband replies.

 

‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?’

 

Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your ‘butt’, didn’t it?”

 

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid! Stupid! Man.                  Submitted by Stella

 

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room.   Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.   After mulling over my answers, she remarked,

 

‘My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.’

                                                                                Submitted by Barbara

 

 

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.   One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

‘No, no, no!’ she   screamed.  ‘Lizzie,’ scolded her mother,

‘That’s not polite behavior.’  With that, the girl yelled even louder,

‘’No, thank you!  No, thank   you!

                                                                                Submitted by Barbara

 

 

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!

 1. This is this cat.
    2. This is is cat.
       3. This is how cat.
          4. This is to cat.
           5. This is keep cat.
             6. This is an cat.
                7. This is old cat.
                      8. This is fart cat.
                         9. This is busy cat.
                            10. This is for cat.
                                 11. This is forty cat.
                                       12. This is seconds cat.

Go back and read the third word in each line from the top down. Submitted by Ted

 

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.  ‘My son was born on St George’s Day, ‘remarked the Englishman, ‘So we obviously decided to call him George.’

 

‘That’s a real coincidence, ‘observed the Frenchman, ‘my daughter was born on Valentine’s Day, and so we decided to call her Valentine.’

‘That’s really incredible, ‘drawled the Irishman, ‘Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.’

 

Friendship – None of that Sissy Stuff

 

Are you tired of those sissy ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.  You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

 

When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry b*****d who made you sad.

When you are blue ~I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you’re NOT.

When you are worried~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

When you are sick ~Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I’ll help you up.

This is my oath: I pledge it to the end. ‘Why?’ ~ Because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Submitted by Barbara

 

 

HISTORY

 

Saint Patrick, son of Calphurnius and Conchessa was born in 387 at Kilpatrick, nearDumbarton,Scotland.  Patrick died on 17 March, 493 at Saul,Downpatrick,Ireland.

 

His father belonged to a high ranking Roman family and held the office of decurio in Briton. Conchessa was a near relative of the great patron ofGaul, St. Martin of Tours.

 

At the age of sixteen Patrick was captured by Irish marauders and sold as a slave to Milchu, a chieftain in Dalriada,CountyofAntriminIreland. For six years Patrick tended his master’s flocks in the valley of the Braid.

 

Patrick’s ministry covered a period of 60 years. He founded 365 churches, and a school frequently called a monastery arose beside each church. They were nothing like the Roman Catholic monasteries of later years. Vows were not taken and the clergy were allowed to marry.

 

St. Patrick continued until his death to visit and watch over the churches he founded

 

and appointed pastors to continue his work among them. It is recorded in his Life that he consecrated no fewer than 350 bishops

 

 

The Annals of theKingdomofIrelandstates that by the year 438 Christianity had made such progress inIrelandthat the laws were changed to agree with the Gospel. That means that in 6 years a 60 year old man was able to change the country so much that even the laws were amended.

 

St. Patrick had no printing press, no finances, few helpers andIrelandhad no Roman roads to travel on.

 

Even the 12 apostles with all their miracles never accomplished a feat like that.

 

 

 

May the dust of your carriage wheels blind the eyes of your foes

May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live

May your fire never go out – May your well never run dry.

 

Sláinte:
(Irish Gaelic and pronounced ‘slawn-cha’ means health, much the same as ‘cheers’)

 

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

 

 

 

ANSWERS TO ETHICAL QUESTIONS ON PAGE 5

 

Candidate A is        Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is         Winston Churchill

Candidate C is         Adolf Hitler

 

And by the way: Answer to the abortion question – if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven

Submitted by Jennifer

 

 

EDITOR’S REQUEST:

We are in need of a proof reader for our “Old Bones News.”   If you are interested in helping out please let me know.   Any and all help will be greatly appreciated.                                Janet

 

 

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