January 2010 “OLD BONES” News

January 1, 2010

Newsletter
Contact janetstubbert@hotmail.com

Happy New Year!
May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy
May the problems you had, forget your home address! In simple words May 2010 be the best year of your life!

BIRTHDAYS IN THE MONTH OF JANUARY

♫ Happy Birthday, God Bless you, Happy Birthday to you! ♫
Vaughan (Montreal North)

Jan 02 to Jan 11 – Fir Tree
Fir tree (Mysterious) — extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.

HEALTH & WELFARE

Angela was hospitalized for treatment on her foot. Unfortunately she was in hospital on her birthday. Angela we wish you a belated Happy Birthday and hope you will be able to celebrate your birthday next year with friends and family in a much nicer setting. Get well wishes also for a fast and complete return to good health.

January!

T’was the month after December, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—

I said to myself, as I only can
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
So–away with the last of the sour cream dip
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore-
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

WE HAVE MAIL
I would like to thank you especially for one little joke in the “Old Bones”. This joke submitted by Barbara has been a hit with my family, my friends, my piano students, well, really just about anybody I tell it to.

So thanks “Old Bones” for the giggles, the laughs, the snorts, the chuckles.

If you are wondering what joke I am writing about it is the little cutie about the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu: For bird flu you need tweet-ment and for swine flu you need oink-ment.
I am laughing just writing about it!
Sincerely,

Theresa Anne K

EVENTS!

December 6, 2009 – Holiday Luncheon at Place Bonsecour, Old Montreal.

Five hundred (500) seniors were invited by Father Walsh and St. John Brébeuf Parish, to a Christmas Dinner at Place Bonsecours, Old Montreal. It began at 12:30 PM on December 6th. The choir from St. John Brébeuf entertained us with Christmas carols and other entertainment was provided by Kagan International.
The Mayor of Montreal stopped by to visit each table before going on to other engagements in the city.

Channel 12 TV personality Laurie Graham greeted everyone. She is as lovely in person as she is on air. We were thrilled when she graciously agreed to join us at our table for a photo op. She chatted with us about the weather; the warmest day and the coldest day in history.

The meal was well prepared, the entertainment nice and many of us got up and danced to the wonderful music provided by Kagan International.

All of us were given Avon hand cream, and a warm, cuddly top. Many fortunate attendees won fantastic door prizes. Our very own Eva was one of the lucky winners of a huge box of chocolates.

The event was well organized and a great time was had by all.

Note: In Montreal there are more than 50,000 people living alone who are over sixty-five!

December 8, 2009 – CCS/Almage Party, Buffet Antique, Sherbrooke Street

Ten members from St. Michel/Rosemount Satellite attended the Almage party. What great fun we had!

The dinner for the most part was fantastic. Having said that, a few of us exercised our jaws on a less well cut slice of roast beef.

The music and the dance host were superb. The hall was large with not one but two crowded dance floors. We danced the afternoon away and enjoyed every moment of it.

Thank you to the organizers who worked so hard to put the afternoon together for us. It was genuinely appreciated by all in attendance.

December 21, 2009 – CCS/Almage, St. Michel/Rosemount Satellite Party

A great big thank you to Jeannette for ensuring we take good care of our health in a fun and positive way.
Jeannette started our day leading us in breathing and stretching exercises that energized and prepared us for an enjoyable day.

Our bodies energized, we then worked on our vocal cords with the help of IvyLin’s beautiful and talented daughter who played guitar and led us along with Jeannette in singing Christmas carols.

To great fanfare Diane arrived with a wonderful gift for us; a singer, composer, guitarist with a terrific personality. After his performance he danced with all the ladies up close and personal with a smile of an angel on his face. He was a delight!

IvyLin outdid herself with a wonderful tasty dinner prepared with love for all of us. We enjoyed the wonderful meal shared with friends.

And just when things were winding down a special guest arrived: Santa with a bag of goodies for everyone.
Mrs. Santa was in attendance helping Santa. What a handsome Santa and Mrs. Clause! Thank you , Santa and Mrs. Santa for bringing laughter and good cheer into our lives.

The door prizes were won by IvyLin, Madelyn and Annezie.

Are we partied out yet? I think so!

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

When to start cussing!
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. ‘You know what?’ says the 6 year old. ‘I think it’s about time we started cussing.’ The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, ‘when we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.
‘ The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
‘Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.’

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, ‘You can stay there until I let you out!’

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,’
And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
‘I don’t know’, he blubbers, ‘but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!’Submitted by Barbara

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS: Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more catholic churches than casinos. not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings..

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

You didn’t even see it coming did you? — Gotcha! Submitted by Ted

A BLOND goes into a Post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps. The clerk says “What denomination?
The blond says “God help us has it come to that?
Give me 22 Catholics, 12 Presbyterian 10 Lutheran and 6 Baptists” Submitted by Barbara

A BLOND was weeding her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART! Why WAL-MART??
HELLOOOOOOOOO? WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!! Submitted by Dolores

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push…
‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’ He slams the door and returns to bed.

‘Who was that?’ asked his wife ‘Just some drunken guy asking for a push,’ he answers.

‘Did you help him?’ she asks. ‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!’

‘Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’
‘Yes,’ comes back the answer.

‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband (soaking wet)
‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark.

‘Where are you?’ asks the husband…
‘Over here on the swing!’ replied the drunk. Submitted by Barbara

This is for all those folks who are teachers, wish they were teachers, are glad they are not teachers, have children, are contemplating having children, are glad their children have left home, wish their children would leave home or just appreciate a good sense of humour and it’s absolutely priceless!
Do listen to all the options.
“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” Submitted by Barbara

A Thoughtful Scottish Husband?
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, “Margaret – put your hat and coat on lassie.”
She replied, “Awe Jock that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?”
“Nah,”Jock replied, “I’m switching the central heating off while I’m oot.” Submitted by Barbara
Little girl on a plane
On an airplane, a stranger turned to the little girl sitting next to him and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.

OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit? Submitted by Barbara

He said to me!
I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it
I said to him: You wear pants don’t you?

He said to me: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said that’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me; what have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. .Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him. . They don’t have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him…. I don’t know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him. . They already have boyfriends.

He said….. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . ..A widow.

He said to me…. Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
Submitted by Barbara

Excellent One liners
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming & yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t. Submitted by Ted

GLORIOUS INSULTS
From an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. When Insults Had Class…

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
Submitted by Barbara
DEAR ABBY” admitted she was at a loss to answer the following queries:
DEAR ABBY, I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Submitted by Barbara

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People–
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £9.50 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier. Submitted by Barbara

SUMMARY OF LIFE

Great Truths that Little Children have learned:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats…
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground…
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional…
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Its frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is. .not piddling in your pants…
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 17 success is . .having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . having money.
At age 70 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not piddling in your pants. Submitted by Ted
.
QUOTES

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable
of being. –Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are
the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
–Marcel Proust

“To bring more creative zest to your life, start by recognizing that creativity isn’t simply something you do (like taking a ceramics class), it’s a way of being. Approach life so that everything is flavored with, like a great spice in a recipe.”
Betty Mahalik, author – Living a Five Star Life
O
lder Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. The ratings are at the end.

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (There were only 3 channels if you were fortunate)
7. Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi’s
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 you’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 you are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 don’t tell your age,
If you remembered 11-15 you’re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

T
he Window Through Which We Look
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbour hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean”, she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.” Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she has finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THE FOLLOWING?

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand

And ‘lollipop’ is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn’t you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

‘Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’. (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: ‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’ uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy, right?

The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to ‘do’ this one.) There are only four words in the English language which end in ‘dous’: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’ (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Submitted by Ted

ARE YOU A KEEPER?

I grew up in the fifties with practical parents–A Mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen before they had a name for it.

A Father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dishtowel in the other.

It was the time for fixing things — a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, and the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there’d always be more.

But then my Mother died, and on that clear summer’s night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn’t any ‘more’. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away…never to return.

So, while we have it…its best we love it and care for it and fix it when it’s broken and heal it when it’s sick.

This is true for marriage, and old cars and children with bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging parents and grandparents.

We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special and so, we keep them close!

Noel Interieur – Christmas inside Me–Christmas To and From the Heart and Soul

There were no lights inside my home this Christmas.
There were no decorations this year.
There were no gifts wrapped in colorful wrappings, wrappings to be ripped apart and thrown away.
Gifts to be put away unused or used and gone.
The gifts I received this Christmas were gifts of the heart and soul.
The gifts I gave this Christmas were gifts from the heart and soul.
Priceless gifts because for some reason known only to God my gifts were exactly what I needed and wanted.
I thank you God for giving me this very special Christmas, given from the heart and soul to my heart and soul.
Thank you for decorating my life with very special people and for lighting my heart with very special lights.
My very special gift would be that you give others what you have been giving me.
You have been sending me little miracles that are lighting my life.
I don’t know why but thank you. Written by Dolores

Hints from Dolores: Stop dusting your coffee table and you can use it as a message board.
Something to try using vix vapo rub

I have not tried it for this but I came across an article that says when we have a persistent cough that keeps us from sleeping rub Vix on the bottom of your feet and put on a pair of socks, the most persistent cough is supposed to stop for a period of a few hours.

I use Vix and know it works for me. I get a lot of barometric headaches and found that when I rub Vix on my forehead especially in the two areas over the corner of my eyebrows and tie a scarf with just a little pressure around my head it takes the headache away. Often the headache is gone and I keep myself bandaged up like that because it feels so comfortable. I have created beautiful headwear in this manner. My neighbors have seen me like that often so it does not fizz them anymore. My neighbor across the hall Claire can tell you some good stories about some of what I have been wearing when I answered the door to her. Ask her about the time when I fractured my arm and opened the door to her when I was just getting out of the shower. Not that I would answer the door in that manner to just anyone who knocked so don’t think you can come over in the hope of having a laugh.

Personal experience: I found that Vix is good for chapped hands. I have put a liberal amount of Vix on my hands before going to bed, then put gloves on and while I was sleeping Vix was working its magic. I have used it for dry skin on my feet also. It works for me. I have used it for back itch and it worked better than anything more expensive I have tried. Maybe some of you know other uses for Vix that you can pass along to us.

Household hint: Found on the back of Arm & Hammer baking soda box.
For scratchless cleaning: Baking soda is pure, safe and natural Scrubs away stains and grease without scratching. Use in the kitchen: Sinks, Refrigerators, Pots and pans, Counters, Coffee Pots, Stainless Steel, Ovens, Microwaves, China

For Household Deodorizing: Garbage Pail, Litter Boxes, Carpets, Dishwashers (between uses)
Disposals & Drains

I have also used a paste of baking soda mixed with water for a wasp sting and it works. Submitted by Dolores

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me.. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’ ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:
1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

DEAR ABBY” ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUERIES:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.
T
WENTY THINGS you can do to ensure a healthier new year…Dr. W. Gifford-Jones 1990
1 If you’re still smoking after all the evidence linking it to health problems, see a psychiatrist.

2 Trust farmers rather than multinational food packaging companies. That means cast a wary eye at margarine and go back to butter. Margarine contains trans-fatty acids that researchers believe are linked to health problems. And go to the grocery store, not the drugstore, for your calcium needs. Milk, cheese and yogurt won’t cause kidney stones. Too many calcium tablets are a potential hazard to your kidneys.

3 If a loved one is dying in pain, scream for doctors to increase the dose of narcotic. If heroin has not been tried to relieve pain, insist on a trial use. Sue the doctor and the hospital if they refuse to at least try this humanitarian painkiller.

4 Get a colonoscopy if you’re past the age of 40. Detecting and removing premalignant large bowel polyps can save your life.

5 Take an Aspirin every few days if you’re more than 55 years of age and don’t suffer from peptic ulcers. Aspirin lubricates the blood, decreasing the chance of blood clots and fatal coronary.

6 Get flu shot every year. Especially if you are over 60, or suffer from diabetes, bronic medical problems.
7 Avoid laxatives. They’re habit forming, ruin your bowel and cause malabsorption of vitamins and
minerals. Rather, increase the amount of fiber in your diet.

8 Women of all ages should get a pap smear to diagnose early cancer of the cervix. Too many women are still neglecting this simple, painless test.

9 Postmenopausal women should consider taking estrogen replacement therapy to prevent brittle bones (osteoporosis), aging of the vaginal lining and heart attack.

10 If you can afford it, refuse old-fashioned dentures and look into dental implants that are fixed to the underlying bones. They are more like natural teeth and can last a lifetime.

11 Say no to medical gimmicks. For instance, bald males should stay away from minxidil for hair growth. This drug, originally a medication for high blood pressure, produces limited growth of hair and must be used indefinitely. It may have side-effects, especially if you have cardiovascular disease.

12 Eat a diet that places more emphasis on complex carbohydrates such as pastas and less on fats and protein.

13 Don’t run to the doctor with every minor ache and pain. There’s a good chance you’ll receive needless pills that may cause an adverse reaction. Give nature more time to heal your body.

14 Realize that food health depends primarily on clean water indoor plumbing, vaccination against infectious diseases, regular exercise and a sound lifestyle and not what goes on in the doctor’s office e.

15 Consider obesity as the No 1 health problem of this country. To be obese is to be ill. Do something about it.

16 If your dentist takes a full mouth x-ray every year, you have the wrong dentist. Radiation you don’t need.

17 If you play hockey or racquet sports wear eye and facial protection.

18 Remember that moderate drinkers live longer than teetotalers

19 There’s increasing evidence that taking vitamins C and E may help to retard aging diseases such as atherosclerosis, cancer, and cataracts. These vitamins neutralize the effects of “free radical” molecules. Byproducts of oxygen that makes fat cells go rancid.

20 Pray that someone gives politicians a contract they can’t refuse that will inject free enterprise into our medical system before it collapses from trying to provide unlimited medical care for everyone.
Submitted by Frank

When I Whine

Today, upon a bus, I saw a girl with golden hair
I looked at her and sighed and wished I was as fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and used a crutch but as she passed, she passed a smile.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine I have 2 legs, the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy
The lad who sold it had such charm
I talked with him a while, he seemed so very glad
If I were late, it’d do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me, “I thank you, you’ve been so kind.
It’s nice to talk with folks like you. You see,” he said, “I’m blind.”

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue
He stood and watched the others play
He did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said, “Why don’t you join the others, dear?”
He looked ahead without a word. And then I knew, he couldn’t hear.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have 2 ears, the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I’d go. With eyes to see the sunset’s glow.
With ears to hear what I would know. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I’ve been blessed indeed, The world is mine.
Submitted by Barbara

Celtic New Year traditions

It may not be widely known but celebrating Christmas was virtually banned in Scotland for about 400 years, from the end of the 17th century to the 1950s. The reason has its roots in the Protestant Reformation when the Kirk portrayed Christmas as a Catholic feast and therefore had to be banned.
Therefore their winter solstice holiday was at New Year which came to be called Hogmanay.

Traditions: Cleaning the house on 31st December (including taking out the ashes from the fire). There is also the superstition to clear all your debts before “the bells” at midnight.
The magical Firework display and torchlight procession throughout many cities in Scotland – is reminiscent of the ancient custom at Scottish Hogmanay pagan parties hundreds of years ago.

Some customs from yesteryear continue today, especially in the small, older communities in the Highlands and Islands of Scotland where tradition, along with language and dialect are kept alive and well. On the Isle of Lewis, in the Outer Hebrides, the young boys form themselves into opposing bands; the leader of each wears a sheep skin, while a member carries a sack. The bands move through the village from house to house reciting a Gaelic rhyme. On being invited inside, the leader walks clockwise around the fire, while everyone hits the skin with sticks. The boys would be given some bannocks for their sack before moving on to the next house.

In Stonehaven fireballs, weighing up to 20 pounds are lit & swung around on five feet long metal poles, requiring 60 men to carry them as they march up & down the High Street. The origin of the pre-Christian custom is believed linked to the Winter Solstice with the fireballs signifying the power of the sun, to purify the world by consuming evil spirits.

A vital part of Hogmanay, which continues today, is to welcome friends and strangers, with warm hospitality and wish everyone a Guid New Year. The underlying belief is to clear out the vestiges of the old year and welcome in a young New Year on a happy note.

Immediately after midnight it is traditional to sing “For Auld Lang Syne”. Burns claimed it was based on an earlier fragment & certainly the tune was in print over 80 years before he published his version in 1788

“Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and auld Lang syne
For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne,
We’ll take a cup o kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

“First footing” is still common in Scotland. To ensure good luck for the house, the first foot to enter your home in the new year should be male, dark (believed to be a throwback to the Viking days when blond strangers arriving on your doorstep meant trouble) and should bring symbolic coal, shortbread, salt, black bun or whisky.
January 2nd is a holiday in Scotland as well – to give us all time to recover from a week of merry-making.

QUOTE:

A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle… Submitted by Barbara

Happy New Year!

May you always have: Love to Share, Health to spare, and Friends that Care.
Warm words on a cold evening,
A full moon on a dark night,
And the road downhill all the way to your door.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!
Joyeux Noël – Bonne Annee
\Nedeleg laouen na Bloavezh Mat – Breton
Xin Nian Kuai Le – (Happy New Year) Chinese
Šťastný Nový rok (or Stastny Novy rok) –(Happy New Year) Czech
Froehliche Weihnachten – Prosit Neujahr – German
Kenourios Chronos –(Happy New Year) Greek
L’Shannah Tovah (Happy New Year) – Hebrew
Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket – Boldog Új Évet Kivánok – Hungarian
Shinnen omedeto, kurisumasu omedeto – Japanese
Saehae Bock Mani ba deu sei yo! – (Happy New Year) Korean
Sung Tan Chuk Ha – Korean
Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia – Szczesliwego Nowego Roku – Polish
Feliz Natal” “Boas Festas”(Good Holidays.) – Feliz Ano Novo, (Happy New Year) – Portuguese
Sarbatori Fericite – Rumanian
Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva s Novim Godom – Russian
Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok – Slovak
Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto – Slovene
Feliz Navidad – Feliz Ano ~Nuevo – Spanish
Nollaig chridheil agus Bliadhna mhath ur. – Scots Gaelic
Nollaig shona agus Athbhliain faoi mhaise duit – Irish
Ia orana te Noera Ia orana i te mata iti api” Tahitian
Z Rizdvom Khrystovym i Novym Rokom !- Ukrainian
Blwyddyn Newydd Dda! – Happy New Year, Welsh
Cestitamo Bozic – Yugoslavian

May the year 2010 be filled with family, good health, good friends, wealth, love,
and lots and lots of laughter!

HAPPY 2010!

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