January 2011 – Happy New Year!

June 24, 2011

 “OLD BONES” NEWS 

Happy Birthday!  Y Helen   Y♫ 

WHAT TREE IS YOURS? This is in line with Celtic astrology and somewhat accurate

Jan 12 to Jan 24 –    Elm Tree

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) — pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Jan 25 to Feb 03 –    Cypress Tree

Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) — strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn’t necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.

Editor’s note:  Unfortunately, I was not aware that Helena was born in the month of December.  We, your old bones friends, are sending you a big sincere “Belated Happy Birthday” wish.
We will not forget you next December. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

We wish you warm and happy thoughts throughout the coming year.

We wish you many family gatherings for no special reason at all

But just to enjoy each others company.

We wish you many hours of fun with your friends at “Old Bones”

We wish you lots and lots of laughter

But most of all we wish you and yours a prosperous, healthy New Year.

 

 

ALMAGE 50+ Event

 

Beating the Winter Blues Party

At Almage 50+ Centre on Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

Organized by Carmine Di Nezza in conjunction with Almage the ‘Beating the Winter Blues Party’

On the menu: Hawaiian chicken on rice, vegetables, dessert.  Entertainment and other surprises…

Cost: $5.00 for members and $8.00 for non-members

Tickets will be on sale as of December 13th, 2010 – deadline January 14th, 2011

The Almage 50+ Centre telephone number to reserve a place is 514 355-1712

What can we expect in 2011?

There were probably many, many times last year when I may have….. Disturbed You, Troubled You, Pestered You, Irritated You, Bugged You, or got on your Nerves!!    So today, I just wanted to tell you….  Suck it up Cupcake!!  Cause there AIN’T NO CHANGES planned for 2011!!                                                                                                                                                                     Submitted by Barbara and Ted

Old Bones News

 

Beginning on Monday January 17th the doors at our center, CCS/Almage, St. Michel/Rosemount Satellite will open at 10:00AM and close at 3:00 PM.  We hope this will be convenient for everyone.

 

Our committee member, exercise instructor and events co-coordinator Jeannette will be taking time off from “Old Bones.”  

Several members have expressed their concern that Jeannette was leaving because of something we did or perhaps did not do.  Let me reassure you it had nothing to do with her decision.  Jeannette has been experiencing some health problems and has wisely decided to take care of her health.

Jeannette you have won our hearts.  We, your friends at “Old Bone’s” will miss you terribly.  We all love you and wish you a fast return to good health.

Unfortunately for us – fortunately for them, Helena and Asif are off to sunny blue skies and warm water. 

We wish you a warm winter filled with good health and happy days. Enjoy!  We also hope you will return to your ‘Old Bones’ friends when winter weans and summer skies return to Montreal. 

 

Our December 6th Christmas party

Mrs. Santa Claus looked divine in her Christmas attire.   She was partying with us when Santa arrived.   He stopped when he saw her and had a few words to say to her.   “I’m thin!   I’ve lost weight because you’re not at the North Pole cooking dinner for me!”   And to tell the truth I do believe he has lost quite a lot of weight since his visit last year.

After a few smiles and kisses all was good between them.  And later they were seen with their heads together sharing a little secret and giggling.

The dinner was delicious: puréed soup, turkey, two large hams, a hefty pan of potatoes, a huge dish of rice, salad, several different sauces and two ice-cream Christmas logs with tea and coffee.  Can you believe we ate all that food?!!    Well we did.  It was all just too good!

Thank you:  Ivylin and Edith for your much appreciated work preparing the meal. .  And a special thank you to Helena for her donation of a large beautifully cooked turkey with tasty gravy to boot a gift from her to us.

Between the main course and dessert a gift exchange took place keeping Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus very busy.  Thank goodness they got over their little spat!!   The gift giving concluded with two door prizes and three lucky people who were surprised to find ribbons under their chairs entitling them to an extra treat

A very big ‘thank you’ to Jeannette for all her work in the event and to Hochelaga’s Ambassador, Dolores for supplying the Christmas music that put us all in a holly jolly mood!

A great time was had by all but someone had to wash all those dishes: Unfortunately, or fortunately it wasn’t me.  Thank you Edith, Elizabeth and anyone else who worked hard and left the kitchen sparkling clean.

I can hardly wait for our Christmas dinner next year!  Yummmmmy!

 

 

Fable of the porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever.  Many animals died because of the cold.  The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together.  This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.   

So they had to make a choice:  Either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.  Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.  This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others.  This way they were able to survive.  

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

Learn to love the pricks in your life.                                                                               Submitted by Cheryl

 

QUIZ

 

Q 1   You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

            A 1:  If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the

            second person and you take his place, you are in second place!

Q 2:     If you overtake the last person, then you are….?

            A  2  If you answered that you are second to last, then you  are wrong again. Tell me sunshine, how       can you overtake the last person??    You’re not very good at this, are you?

Q 3      Note: this must be done in your head only.  Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator.

            Take 1000 and add 40 to it.  Now add another 1000 now add 30. Add another 1000.

            Now add 20.  Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

            A  3  Did you get 5000?  The correct answer is actually 4100…

 Q 4:  Mary’s father has five daughters:

            1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,  4. Nono, and ???  What is the name of the fifth daughter?

            A 4      Did you answer Nunu? No! Of course it isn’t.  Her name is Mary! Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round, i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?

It’s really very simple   He opens his mouth and asks for it…

Does your employer actually pay you to think??  If so do not let them see your answers for this test!

Submitted by Ted

 

One Liners

If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If the shoe fits – it’s ugly.

People who predict earthquakes are fault finders.

Give some people an inch and they think they’re rulers.

If your outgo exceeds your income then your upkeep will be your downfall.  Amen

            Submitted by Pat

 

SPIRITUAL 

Death~ what a wonderful way to explain it.

This really is the most beautiful explanation of death I’ve ever heard.

A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said,  

‘Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.’

Very quietly, the doctor said, ‘I don’t know.’

 ‘You don’t know?  You’re, a Christian man, and don’t know what’s on the other side?’

The doctor was holding the handle of the door;   on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, ‘Did you notice my dog? He’s never been in this room before.

He didn’t know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here,   and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing… I know my Master is there and that is enough.’

May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.                                                                                                                                   Submitted by Barbara

 

 

IN THE NEWS AND ON THE WEB

 

Tragedy for People on Pensions

Wow…..We got $3.11 extra on the Nov OAP. That will buy a loaf of bread.  Even if you only eat 1 slice a day, it won’t last a whole month!! Remember this when you cast your ballot both federally and provincially

As a raise last year, seniors got 2/5th of 1% on their Canada Pension and 0% on the Old Age Security.  This won’t even scratch the raise in taxes that McGuinty levied, what Premier Campbell’s doing in B.C with the 12% HST and other user fees.   We’re “broke” & can’t help our own seniors, Homeless, Veterans, Orphans, etc.???  This is so pathetically true… In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti, Chile, and Turkey. Now Pakistan, the same people that will turn around and build the I.E.D.’s that kills our troops. Also another boat load of refugees has arrived from Sri Lanka that will get aid that should go to the CANADIAN people that have worked all their lives to make this the country it is today Our retired seniors living on fixed income receive no aid while our government and religious organizations pour hundreds of millions of dollars and tons of food to foreign countries. We have hundreds of adoptable children who are shoved aside to make room for the adoption of foreign orphans. Why are so many CANADIAN citizens, and the CANADIAN government, so star struck they won’t provide for our own?

CANADA: a country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without  eating, elderly going without needed meds, and mentally ill without treatment – yet we have a benefit for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations, ships and planes lining up with food, water, tents, clothes, bedding, doctors and medical supplies. Imagine if we gave ourselves the same support that we gave all of these other countries.

 I feel bad for them, but I also care about CANADA and our seniors who developed this great country, only to be forgotten. Sad isn’t it?                                                                                           Submitted by Barbara

 

 

 

Changes to seniors’ income support halted

By CBC News, cbc.ca, Updated: November 26, 2010 2:40 PM

The federal Conservative government has backed away from a plan to cut a portion of federal income support for seniors.

Minister of Human Resources Diane Finley made the announcement during question period Friday in the House of Commons, after being pressed by opposition members.

The Globe and Mail had reported that the rules, which it said were approved without notice, would “change the way lump-sum withdrawals from Registered Retirement Income Funds affect Guaranteed Income Supplement payments.”

“Low-income seniors across the country will be affected if they withdraw more than the minimum allowed from their RRIF,” reported the Globe.

Finley told the House she was very concerned by what was reported.

“That’s why I’ve instructed departmental officials to immediately put a hold on this policy while we review it completely,” said Finley. “I’ve also instructed the officials to contact those individuals affected directly so that their applications can be reviewed and evaluated for eligibility under the old policy.”

Liberal MP Gerry Byrne said a review was not a reversal.

“No notice, no consultation, no information and no compassion,” Byrne said.

Finley said the government has done more than any previous government to support seniors and that’s why “we’re taking steps immediately to put this policy on hold. We want to make sure that we are treating seniors fairly.“

“That’s why my officials have been instructed to contact the individuals affected directly and immediately to reevaluate their applications and their eligibility according to the original policy,” she said.

Submitted by Barbara

 

 

Know Your Rights – NEWS ABOUT HEALTH CARE COSTS 

Did you know that when you file your provincial income tax return for 2010 you will be required to make a new health care contribution of $25.00?  That figure will go up to $200.00 by 2012.  However, if your family income is below a certain threshold you will be exempt, (amount) to be determined annually.

As of this past July, the provincial drug insurance plan’s premium has gone up by 2.6%, making the monthly maximum contribution now $80.25.  But if you receive the federal Guaranteed Income Supplement at almost its highest level (94%) you don’t have to pay for prescription drugs.

Are you eligible for the Guaranteed Income Supplement?   Do you know you have to apply for it – it’s not automatic?                                                                                                                Submitted by Barbara

 

 

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honour, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays…”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

The lawyer said, “Your Honour, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned…” 

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!                                                            Submitted by Barbara

HISTORY

 

Natives get short shift in war of 1812 history

First Nations seek role in marking bicentennial of war. By Jack Branswell and Philip Ling, Canwest News Service The Gazette May 25, 2010

Natives need to play an important role in celebrations marking the centennial of the war of 1812, say Parks Canada documents obtained by CanWest News Service, but First Nations groups say that isn’t happening yet.

There are myriad references in 166 pages of documents to making sure natives and their “pivotal role” in the war to repel U.S. invaders are properly recognized at historical 1812 sites and in interpretation centers.

Addressing weaknesses in aboriginal interpretation at those related sites involves enhancing relationships with First Nations communities.”

The documents, obtained under the access to information law also say Parks Canada “wants to bring about a significant increase in aboriginal interpretation and presentations of national history sites.

“The role of the First Nations in the War of 1812 is generally not well understood.  Canadians in general are not aware of the fact that without the actions of aboriginal allies, Upper Canada and the West would likely have fallen to American arms.  A number of historic sites have a very important Aboriginal War of 1812 story to tell.”

It also notes that during “the lead-up to the bicentennial, there is an opportunity to work with aboriginal communities to develop better presentations of their history at our sites and on the web pages and in educational material.”

But native groups say that is precisely what hasn’t happened so far.

“Even if it’s overdue, we welcome this” said Maurice Switzer, communications director for the Union of Ontario Indians, an advocacy group for 42 First Nations across Ontario,

“The one thing that’s important is that we be engaged in the process.  We don’t want a bunch of non-native academics or civil servants deciding on what’s the best way to do this.  It’s our history.  Ask us.”

Switzer says a perfect example of what is wrong with how the Indian role in this war has been underplayed is the famous Niagara-area memorial to British officer Sir Isaac Brock, who died resisting an American advance at the Battle of Queenstown Heights in October 1812.

“One of the most memorable monuments in Canada is the one of Sir Isaac Brock overlooking Niagara River.” he said.  The statue is 56 meters high.  “I knew there was a little marker somewhere on the park grounds.” for the native role in the battle.  “I couldn’t find one staffer who could identify that location for me… Way down a hillside, all over grown with moss and weeds, was a little teeny marker that acknowledges ‘harassment’ by Indians of the enemy.  No specific names.”

Switzer wonders if the government is reluctant to play up native involvement in helping build the country because it might strengthen native land claims. “It just sort of seems to take a long time to get around t admitting First Nations peoples (and) Aboriginal Peoples have played a big role in contributing to Canada being the successful country it is.” he adds.

“It’s quite likely that if it wasn’t for the First Nations’ support of leaders like Tecumseh… the flags that are flying over our public buildings in this country would probably be stars and stripes.” 

Sherry Huff a spokes woman with the Association of Iroquois and Allied Indians, representing 20,000 people, says that there has been some discussion about how we are going to respond to the commemoration of the war of 1812.

“Our communities have expressed concern that we haven’t been included.  I don’t believe that there has been any meaningful consultation at all. You would think we would be at the table now.” she added.

This Assembly of First Nations, the national organization representing First Nations citizens in Canada, has not been contacted by federal government organizers of the 1812 events in the works for 2012.

Anisninabek Nation Grand Council Chief Patrick Madahbee told Canwest News Service that he has heard that Parks Canada will be commemorating  the bicentennial of the War of 1812 but “we’ve been minimally involved… We haven’t heard of any details.”

Jim Prentice, the minister responsible for Parks Canada, said;   “Well, certainly they will be included.  I’m not aware of the criticisms that you are referring to.  Aboriginal Canadians will definitely be part of those celebrations.”

Parks Canada maintains that it is still committed to having natives play a key role in the commemorations.

“Making sure that our First Nations can participate in the bicentennial and are in a position to tell their stories related to the War of 1812 is quite important.” said Doug Stewart, director general of national parks at Parks Canada.

“It’s important for Canada and it’s important for the First Nations to be able to do that.”

While the documents show that Parks Canada has been discussing the bicentennial since at least 2008, Stewart said native groups haven’t been snubbed so far, it is just that Parks Canada is ramping up its planning now.

“There may have been some identification of these things as early as 2008, but it  really wasn’t until the spring of 2009 that our own activities geared up in any sort of real planning context”

“June 2012 will really be the launch of the bicentennial that’s when the war actually began – there’s a lot of work yet to come with respect to the planning of events and activities.”

The documents, thousands of pages of which were withheld for various exemptions allowed by the access to information laws, also make it clear that Parks Canada seen the bicentennial as a key opportunity to draw attention to its mandate.

Some of the perceived benefits to Parks Canada, the pages include “a considerable boost awareness of a number of our national historic sites,” and an  “increased sustainability of our sites through increased revenue.”

                                                                                                                                    Submitted by Frank

  

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

 

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

 

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.   Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore; can’t remember if I’m 89 or 98; have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

Submitted by Ted

 

I was in Timmy’s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. …and how was your day?

Submitted by Cheryl

It’s better to say “I’m fine” with a grin, than to let people know the shape we’re in

I’M FINE!!  HOW ARE YOU?                                    

There’s nothing the matter with me,

I’m just as healthy as can be,

I have arthritis in both knees,

And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.

My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,

But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

All my teeth have had to come out,

And my diet I hate to think about.

I’m overweight and I can’t get thin,

But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.

Or I wouldn’t be able to go out in the street.

Sleep is denied me night after night,

But every morning I find I’m all right.

My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin.

But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Old age is golden I’ve heard it said,

But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.

With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,

And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.

And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,

Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,

Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!

But really I don’t mind, when I think with a grin,

Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,

Pick up the paper and read the obits.

If my name is missing, I’m therefore not dead,

So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,

Is that for you and me, who are growing old.

It is better to say “I’m fine” with a grin,

Than to let people know the shape we are in.

I’M FINE!!  HOW ARE YOU?   Submitted by Barbara                                          

Maxine

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when ‘fill in the pumpkins’ was about the extent of his art classes at St. John’s Catholic School in  Leonia N.J.

John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group.  But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John’s professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

‘Cartoonists are sensitive to the insanities of the world; we just try to humanize them,’ John says.   ‘If Maxine can get a laugh out of someone who feels lonely or someone who is getting older and hates the thought of another birthday, or if she can make someone chuckle about stressful interpersonal relationships, then I’m happy.  Putting a smile on someone’s face is what it’s all about.’

Those smiles have led to Maxine’s becoming a bit of a celebrity. She (and John) have been the subject of media stories, including People, USA Today, Good Morning America, The Wall Street Journal, St. Petersburg (FL) Times, and Las Vegas Journal-Review, and they have been included in a major Associated Press story. Collector and trade publications have reported fans nationwide are collecting Maxine items. Letters from consumers and fans to John and Maxine reveal a very personal connection to Maxine.

Many people say they are just like her. 

Why the name Maxine?  “People at Shoebox started referring to the character as ‘John Wagner’s old lady,’ and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,”  John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested ‘Maxine’.  John says the name is perfect

John, who says he’s humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he’s proud of her.

ow you know the story of how Maxine came to be.                                                    Submitted by Ted

‘POOF and The Light Goes OFF’

A 72-year -old man goes for a physical.  All of his tests come back with normal results.  

The doctor says, ‘Jerry, everything looks great.  How are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?’

Jerry replies, ‘God and I are tight, he knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*, the light goes on. When I’m done, *poof*, the light goes off.’

‘Wow, that’s incredible,’ the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Jerry’s wife.

‘Ginger,’ he says, ‘Jerry is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.   Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, *poof* the light goes off?’

‘Oh my god!’ Ginger exclaims. ‘He’s peeing in the fridge again!!!

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas Morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it, we’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.  

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures

Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”        

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.                            

I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe,

Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf,’ and she said…        Submitted by Barbara

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.   I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour… But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Submitted by Ted

 

A haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Both, politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason!                        Submitted by Ted

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially

dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. 

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).  If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus

will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should

Immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes –

Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.  If you do not have five friends,

You have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. `                 Submitted by Ted

 

THE POTATO STORY

Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they Called ‘Yam.’ Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad Name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. 

Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!  But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the Greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped…

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Peter Mansbridge.

Peter Mansbridge!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Peter Mansbridge because he’s just…….Are you ready for this?  Are you sure?  `OK! Here it is!    COMMONTATER                                                                                                                                                                         Submitted by Ted

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them.  They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school  So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.

Will you baptize us?”

Sure,” said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, “You are now baptized!”

When they got outside, one of them asked, “‘What religion do you think we are?”

The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”

“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”

“We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”

The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”

They all joined in asking, ‘Yeah! What do you think that means?’

“I think it means we’re Pisskopailians!”                                                              Submitted by Cher

HAPPY NEW YEAR WISHES!

This bright New Year is given to me to live each day with zest, to daily grow and try to be my highest and my best! –             William Arthur Ward

As 2011 blossoms, may your days be bright with new hopes and your heart be happy with love!
May the New Year open up new horizons and bring you promises of brighter tomorrows.

When you’re lonely I wish you Love!   When you’re down, I wish you Joy!  
When you’re troubled, I wish you Peace!  When things seem empty, I wish you Hope!  
When you are happy I wish you continued days of laughter and joy. 
When you are well I wish you freedom to enjoy your good health.
When you are with friends I wish you many hours of interesting conversation, fun and enjoyment in a relaxed and a healthy environment.

An Irish Wish

May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.

May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.

May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!

May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy

May the problems you had, forget your home address!  
In simple words May 2011 be the best year of your life

May the year 2011 be filled with good health and extra cash in your pocket to enable you to enjoy your good health, your family, good friends, freedom from stress and worry,  love,  peace,  enjoyment,  and many days to share lots of laughter with your friends!

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