JUNE 2011

June 1, 2011

 “OLD BONES” 

AHHHH YES!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD  MORNING

My face in the mirror

Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty..

The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely

And so does my lawn.

I think I might never

Put my glasses back on.

Submitted by Barbara

BIRTHDAYS IN THE MONTH OF JUNE

Happy Birthday! Y Dear Nancy ♫

Happy Birthday, God Bless you, Happy Birthday to you! ♫

Jun 04 to Jun 13   –   Hornbeam Tree

Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) — of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition,! good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

 

 

BIRTHDAYS IN THE MONTH OF MAY (“Old Bones” was not published in May)

Happy Birthday!

 Y Cheryl, Ivylin, Ted, Therese, & Janet Y

Happy Birthday, God Bless you, Happy Birthday to you! ♫

 

 

May 01 to May 14 –   Poplar Tree

Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) — looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

 

May 15 to May 24 –   Chestnut Tree

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) — of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard

worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

 

May is the fifth month of the year in the Gregorian calendar and one of seven Gregorian months with the length of 31 days.

May is a month of autumn in the Southern Hemisphere and spring in the Northern Hemisphere. Therefore May in the Southern Hemisphere is the seasonal equivalent of November in the Northern Hemisphere and vice versa.

In both common Western calendrical systems, no other month begins on the same day of the week as May. This month and June are the only two months that have this trait, though the first day of August in a common year and the first day of October in a leap year are also unique. No other month ends on the same day of the week as May

Good friends are the rare jewels of life. Difficult to find and impossible to replace!                                                                                                                                                                      Submitted by Barbara

 Observations Department

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt         Submitted by Barbara

HISTORY

May 24, 1876: Inauguration of Mount Royal Park

This historic overview was researched by Tom Berryman, Daniel Chartier, Maurice Landry and Dinu Bumbaru.

Mount Royal Park was officially inaugurated with great pomp and circumstance on Queen Victoria’s birthday, Wednesday, May 24, 1876. The opening ceremony on the mountain was preceded by a parade through the streets of Montréal.

The parade left from the post office on St. Jacques Street in old Montréal at 10 a.m. As reported in the Opinion Publique, a newspaper of the period, the procession set off in no particular order and stopped for a while on Bleury Street, where three volunteer regiments, escorted by their musical bands, momentarily blocked traffic. The procession then turned onto the newly paved St. Catherine Road and made its way to the summit of the mountain along the magnificent thoroughfare.

Thousands of citizens waited on the mountain for the arrival of the parade and the inauguration ceremonies, laden with provisions for “a pantagruelic picnic seasoned with a great deal of gaiety,” according to the Opinion Publique.

Just before noon, Dr. Wolfred Nelson, Councillor, and Chair of the Mount Royal Park Commission, invited the Mayor of Montréal, William H. Hingston, to open the day’s proceedings.

However it was Mayor Aldis Bernard nicknamed the mayor of parks (at City Hall from 1873 to 1875) who had been the prime mover behind the creation of the park. . It was under his administration that three major park projects were undertaken. Besides Mount Royal Park, Montrealers were given two other public green spaces: Île Sainte-Hélène and Lafontaine Park (Logan farm).

The opening ceremony featured other speakers besides Councillor Nelson and Mayor Hingston. One of them was Frederick Law Olmsted, designer of Mount Royal Park. This famous landscape architect, the creator of New York’s Central Park, had been mandated by the city of Montréal to plan the park.

Olmsted wished to preserve the natural charm of the mountain. The winding path he laid out, which today bears his name, was designed to allow people to discover the beauty of this natural space. He wanted the park to be accessible to everyone, regardless of social class or physical condition. His wish was to be fulfilled.

When the speeches ended, Colonel Stevenson began the hundred-gun salute marking the occasion.

Shortly before Mayor Hingston ended his address, the four cannons of Colonel Stevenson’s battery fired the first salvo of the royal salute, which was responded to by the artillery of Île Sainte-Hélène.

This was not the first time that Colonel Stevenson had fired his cannon from the mountain. In response to those who claimed that the mountain was inaccessible, he climbed Mount Royal with his battery twice, in 1862 and 1863, and fired the cannon from the summit. His gesture did not go unnoticed and Colonel Stevenson thus contributed in his own way to the creation of Mount Royal Park.

Mount Royal Park’s opening day would be fondly remembered by the thousands of Montrealers who attended the festivities.

 

Some ideas on Immigrants and being a Canadian in 1907, one hundred and 4+ years ago.

 

‘In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes a Canadian and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person’s becoming in every facet a Canadian, and nothing but a Canadian… There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is a Canadian, but something else also, isn’t a Canadian at all.

We have room for but one flag, the Canadian flag…

And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the Canadian people.’

Sir Wilfred Laurier 1907                                                                                               Submitted by Barbara

 

 

 

Why Our Great-Grandparents were Happier Than We Are

 

A bottle of Bayer’s heroin: Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine.  It was also used to treat children with strong cough.

 

Coca Wine, anyone?: Metcalf Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine in it on the market. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.

Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it’s time.  Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time.  He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.

Maltine: Produced by Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York.  It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal … Children should take half a glass…

 

A paper weight  promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne (Mannheim, Germany).  They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.

 

Opium for Asthma: No comments.

 

Cocaine tablets (1900): All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to “smooth” the voice.

 

Cocaine drops for toothache: Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children happy!

 

 

QUOTES:

A friend is someone who you can tell your complaints; a good friend is someone you can tell your dreams.

–Dale Dauten
 
Practice hope. As hopefulness becomes a habit, you can achieve a permanently happy spirit.
–Norman Vincent Peale

 Live your life and forget your age. –Norman Vincent Peale

TECHNOLOGY

 

In the 1960s, The Jetsons introduced TV viewers to the idea of a home robot in the form of Rosey, a humanoid machine dressed in a French maid’s outfit.  Today we’re well on the way to having our own Roseys. Robots are creeping into our homes, except they (mostly) don’t look like us — they’re smaller and shaped like appliances. But while they don’t yet have personalities, they’re getting increasingly intelligent.

Leading the way is iRobot Corp. Named after the Isaac Asimov novel, the Boston–area company was started in 1990 by a trio of Massachusetts Institute of Technology graduates on a mission to make robots practical and affordable. The company at first floundered, but in 1998 it caught a big break when it landed a Pentagon research grant. That funding led to the development of the Packbot, a remote–controlled machine that can explore caves and disarm bombs. To date, more than 2,000 have been deployed in Afghanistan and Iraq.

But iRobot founders always had the consumer market in mind. In 2002, they translated their military experience into the Roomba, the disc–shaped vacuum that autonomously cleans the floors and then recharges itself. What at first seemed like a novelty became a perennially popular Christmas gift, with five million Roomba sold to date   IRobot stock has more than tripled in the past two years.

 

 

 

 

Interesting

 

 

Revealed: Scottish cows are the most flatulent in Europe

Our dairy herds have bigger carbon bottom prints than any other cattle on the continent, according to new figures.

And just one grass-guzzler produces as much greenhouse gas as two people living in India.

Friends of the Earth Scotland said: “This is partly because they are largely fed on grass.

“The simplest way to reduce emissions from livestock is to eat less meat and dairy and to make sure what we do eat comes from sustainable sources, fed on local feed.”

Scots cows were top trumps in a Government report out last week.

It found that our dairy herd – currently numbering 183,000 – pumped out the equivalent of 598,000 tons of carbon dioxide every year.

Our cows produce 142kg of methane each, blasting past our whiffiest EU rivals – Sweden (129kg), Holland (125kg) and Denmark (123kg).

 

This is a quiz for people who know everything! 

 

These are not trick questions.   They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons.  All other vegetables must be replanted every year.  What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle.  The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way.  How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ‘ dw’ and they are all common words.  Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. 

Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’

 

 

 

Who figured this out?

1)  Fold a  NEW  $20  bill in half…
2)  Fold again, taking care to fold it exactly as  below
3)  Fold the other end, exactly as  before
4)  Now, simply turn it  over…

What a coincidence! A simple geometric fold creates a catastrophic premonition printed on all $20 bills!!!    Coincidence?   You decide. 

As  if that wasn’t enough…Here  is what you’ve seen…Firstly The  Pentagon on  fire…Then  The  Twin Towers….And  now .. Look at this!

Triple coincidence on a simple $20 bill

Disaster (Pentagon)                  Disaster (Twin Towers)                        Disaster (Osama)???
It gets even better                     9 + 11 = $20!

Creepy huh?                                                                                                     Submitted by Ted

laughter is the best medicine

 

Retirement

When I was young my slippers were red, I could kick up my heels clear over my head.

When I got older my slippers were blue, but I still could dance the whole night thru!

Now I am old and my slippers are black, I walk to the corner and puff my way back.

How do I know that my youth has been spent?  My ‘get up and go’ has got up and went!

But I really don’t mind, as I think with a grin, of all the grand places my ‘get up’ has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits, pick up the paper and read the “obits.”

If I find my name missing, I know I’m not dead, so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed!

Submitted by Barbara

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.  

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.  

The man seemed more amused.  

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself.

The man replied, ‘well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.   She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.  But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’   … I just lost it.’

‘CASE DISMISSED!!’

Submitted by Cheryl

THESE GLORIOUS INSULTS are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. When Insults Had Class…

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr 

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx       Submitted by Ted

The testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt and ached almost all the time.  So he went to the doctor and told him about his problem.  The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants.  The doctor stood him up on the examining table, and started to examine him.  The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
“Aha!” mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 

“Aha!” said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.  Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side … Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with Amazement that the snipping didn’t hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.  The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.  The doctor said,” How does that feel now?”
The midget replied, “Perfect Doc, and I didn’t even feel it.  What did you do?”

The doctor replied, “I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots.”             

Submitted by Barbara

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,  drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from  a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the still shaking driver said, ‘Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.’

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, ‘I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly.’

The driver replied, ‘No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years….

Submitted by Stella

Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while, one of them says to the other, ‘If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you were off hunting, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?’

The other Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, ‘Well, I do not know about related, but it sure would make us even.

Submitted by Ted

 

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

Submitted by Cheryl

 

 

A CIRCUS OWNER runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The other is an old retired golfer.

 The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.  He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history.  Here’s your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

 The girl says, “I’ll go first.”  She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

 The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.  He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”

The tough old golfer replies, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.” 

Submitted by Ted

Forgetter Be Forgotten?

My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke

To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke

For when I’m ‘here’ I’m wondering If I really should be ‘there’

And, when I try to think it through, I haven’t got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room, Say ‘what am I here for?’

I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone, Say ‘Hi’ and have a chat,

Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, ‘who the hell was that?

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better while my rememberer is broke,

And it’s driving me plumb crazy and that isn’t any joke.

Please send this to everyone you know because I don’t remember who I sent this to!  Submitted by Stella

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested.. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”  
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. 

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front  paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at  the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$250?” she cried, “$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it’s now $250.”                                                        Submitted by Ted

 

 

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional.  The following conversation ensues:
  
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel …  

Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’

Man: ‘What sins?’

Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’  

Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’

Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

Man: ‘I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody!’                                                            Submitted by Barbara

 

To Be 6 Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well dear, what was it like being six again?’

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ‘I meant my dress size, you! *****!!!!’

Submitted by Ted

 

 

Maxine, never quits….Whitney

When guests come to visit I just put down drop cloths and say, “We’re painting.” 
I never get tired of housework – I don’t do any. 
As far as I’m concerned the perfect bra is a sweatshirt.

If you’re not supposed to stick Q-tips in your ears what the heck are they for?

Actually you can have a healthy sex life well into your later years.  Assuming you can stand the sight of people your age naked!

Tried on a thong yesterday.  I’m still trying to dig it out.

I’ve still got it but nobody wants to see it.

I think I must be wearing “I wonder where they went bra.”

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Don’t let age get you down it’s too hard to get back up.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

Don’t think of it as hot flashes.  Think of it as your inner child playing with matches  Submitted by Barbara

Divorce vs. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy. Walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! 

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law?  I’ll lose my license! 

They’ll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not! 

You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”

 Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.

 2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think.                                       Submitted by Ted

 

 

If you can

 

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor, 

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, then you are probably the family dog!   

 

KITCHEN WISDOM

Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Opinion: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake!

You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!

Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Opinion: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha Stewart: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake. Opinion: Go to the bakery! Hell, they’ll even decorate it for you!

Martha Stewart: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant ‘fix-me-up.’

Opinion: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto:  ‘I made it, you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!’

Martha Stewart: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Opinion: Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Opinion: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don’t.

Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Opinion: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves.

They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Opinion: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha Stewart: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Opinion: Leftover Wine??????  HELLO!!!!!!!

Lastly, if you don’t enlighten 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off. Really….. It’s true! Have I ever lied to you?   Submitted by Ted

Girl’s delight as missing pet owl turns up five miles away at head teacher’s house

2010 By Craig McDonald

A SCHOOLGIRL has been reunited with her lost owl – after he turned up at her head teacher’s house five miles away.

Emma Stevenson, 11, had hunted for Barney the barn owl for a week after he flew off while she was exercising him.

She and her mum put posters up and contacted police and the RSPB – but believed Barney was a goner.

However, Emma was stunned later that week when her headteacher Sallie Fraser came to her for advice on how to care for an owl which had turned up in her kitchen.

Emma, who helps out in her spare time at a bird of prey centre near her home in Wishaw, Lanarkshire, said yesterday: “My headteacher came to me as she knew I knew a bit about owls.

“She just said a lovely white barn owl had walked into her house the previous night.

“She didn’t know I had an owl or that I’d lost him. I couldn’t believe it when she showed me a photo she’d taken.

“I immediately saw it was Barney. I was nearly crying with happiness. It was an amazing feeling to find out that he was all right.”

Emma had only had her £200 pet owl for around a month when he went missing while she was flying him near her home.

Sallie, headteacher of St Brendan’s Primary in Motherwell, said: “I was making a coffee in the kitchen when the owl just walked in my door – I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“I didn’t really know what to do. The wee thing looked very bedraggled and weak.

“I called him Barney as I knew it was a barn owl, and took a few pictures of him.

“I showed them to Emma the next day as I knew she was interested in birds of prey. She just said straight away, ‘That’s my Barney.’

“It turns out I gave him the same name as she had.

“I live in Motherwell and it’s several miles between our houses. We can’t believe what has happened here.

“He’s obviously been wandering about and flying around on his own for a week, looking for a place of refuge.

“He’s had a wash and brush and he seems to be fine after his little adventure.

History  Mystery

Abraham  Lincoln  was  elected to Congress in 1846.

John F.  Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head   Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.  Kennedy’s Secretary was named  Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.  Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

 Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.  

 Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.  Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named ‘Ford’.

Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘ Lincoln ‘ made by ‘Ford’.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.  Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.                                                Submitted by Ted

ONE LINERS

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

QUIZ

1… The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward:   Niagara Falls .. 

(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?  It grew inside the bottle. 

The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree.  The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle…

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe,question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with ‘S’:  Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

Submitted by Barbara & Ted

 

 

Hello one and all!

 

A special thank you for your prayers and gifts especially the gift of friendship.

I appreciate your wonderful kindness.

Sincerely

Janet

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