March 2011

March 1, 2011

 “OLD BONES” NEWS

 Happy Birthday to you! DEAR NASIR,  HAPPY Birthday to you!

Mar 01 to Mar 10 –    Weeping Willow Tree

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) – likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, and honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

Mar 22 to Mar 31 –    Hazelnut Tree

Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.

In Memoriam

We are sad to hear one of our members; Therese has suffered the loss of her husband, Pierre Auger. 
Our hearts and prayers go out to her and her family. 

 

Staff members to visit us

We are pleased to announce that on March 7th, 2011 between 1:00 and 3:00 o’clock Almage 50+ Centre Manager Giovanna (Joanne) Colasurdo and volunteer Coordinator Dorothy Gleason will be visiting our centre.   We welcome their company and we are sure their visit will be enjoyable and productive.

 

 

Welcome to New Member

We are happy to welcome Cheryl Bee who transferred to Rosemount/St. Michel Satellite last month.  Cheryl will be a great addition to our group.  We are delighted and welcome you aboard.

Tai chi 

We send a very special “Thank you” to our Tai Chi instructor. We are blessed to be introduced to the gentle movements of tai chi that reduces stress and offers other health benefits.

We are Sad to say

Dolores will no longer be available to brighten up our day with her beautiful smile and dance lessons. Thank you Dolores for all the hours of fun you have provided for us.   We miss you already. 

 

Computer classes

Just a reminder that several members are ready, willing and able to help you get started… Please see Barbara or Janet. 

month of March

 

Beloved St. Patrick is not officially a saint after all

By DARA KELLY IrishCentral.com Staff Writer

While millions around the world will celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on March 17th, the sad fact is that Patrick has never been canonized by the Catholic Church and is a saint in name only.

As writer Ken Concannon stated: “There was no formal canonization process in the Church during its first millennium. In the early years of the Church the title saint was bestowed first upon martyrs, and then upon individuals recognized by tradition as being exceptionally holy during their lifetimes.”

“Consequently these Irish saints, including St. Patrick, were never actually formally canonized – save one. The exception was Fergal, also known as St. Virgil of Salzburg, an 8th century missionary scholar who was officially canonized in 1233 by Pope Gregory IX. Virgil is one of only four Irish saints to be canonized by Rome.”

“There was no formal process for canonization in place when Patrick died. He was proclaimed a saint by popular acclamation, probably with the approval of a bishop. The official process for canonization did not come until about the 12th century.”

Patrick was actually the grandson of a priest back when marriage for clerics was not frowned on. His genius was bringing together the old pagan traditions and the new religion together in harmony in Ireland in the 5th century.

Patrick was the first major figure to reject slavery and for that alone he deserves proper canonization.

 

QUIZ:  (answers on page 4)

1) What organ was the first to be successfully transplanted?

2 What problem did Leonardo da Vinci, Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison and General George Patton have in common?

3) What is the acronym for the agency set up in 1923 to provide co-operation between police forces worldwide?

4) When was the Hungarian uprising?

5) Who was the first female member of the House of Commons in Canada, and also the first woman to be sworn in as a Member of the Ontario Provincial Parliament?

6) Which English city would have been the new capitol if Adolf Hitler’s invasion plans had been successful?

Quotation:

‘May today there be peace within.  May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us. ‘Answers: to #’s 1 – 6

1) The first successfully transplanted organ is: Kidney, in 1954

2) The answer is: All were dyslexic.

3) The answer is: Interpol
4) The Hungarian uprising was in 1956

5) The answer is: Agnes Macphail

6) The answer is: Oxford                                                                                                                                 

 

Answers to number 8

1. Books,        

2. Random,                 

3. Fork ,          

4. Pants,          

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN’T YOU!   NO COMMENT                                   #7 and # 8 Submitted by Ted

HEALTH

 

THE SECRETS IN YOUR BLOOD

Article By: Elizabeth Rogers – Feb 03, 2011 (50Plus)

A vial of blood may soon hold the key to better detection and treatment of many common illnesses. Here’s a look at the latest research on blood tests that could help save lives.

It’s considered sacred by many religions, but science treats it with no less awe. Blood can tell us a lot about our health, from warning us about disease to unlocking our DNA.

A vial of blood will soon do more in the fight against common diseases that become riskier as we age. The latest research and clinical trials aim to make tests more accurate, less expensive and more efficient at spotting and monitoring disease. Not only that, but they’ll also help us avoid expensive, invasive and costly diagnostics with long wait times.

Here’s a look at some of the latest advances when it comes to your blood.

One test, many types of cancer

Unfortunately, tumors don’t always keep their cells to themselves. Some cells, known as circulating tumor cells or CTCs, break free and travel through the body looking for a new home. They’re behind the deadly spread of cancer — but they can be hard to spot. You might see a few among millions of white blood cells and billions of red. Previous tests could count them, but not collect them for analysis.

Now the technology is becoming more refined. Researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital have been developing a test to trap these special cells, a test known as Cell Search. Special microchips covered in tiny “microposts” that are coated with cancer-binding antibodies filter out CTC cells from a patient’s plasma — allowing the cells to be collected and analyzed. A recently announced five-year, $30 million dollar partnership between Johnson & Johnson and Massachusetts General Hospital aims to make this test cheaper and easier to use.

What will this mean for patients? This “liquid biopsy” is still in its infancy, and some experts say it will take 3-5 years to develop and test it. The immediate goal is to help doctors assess how aggressive a patient’s cancer is and if treatments are successful — without having to rely on CT scans and biopsies. Experts will also be able to spot mutations and adjust treatment options accordingly.

Experts also hope the test will someday be used to routinely screen for common cancers. Whether it will be used instead of conventional screening methods (like mammograms or colonoscopies) or alongside them is still up for debate. (Read the full story on CBC News.)

Early indicator of Alzheimer’s

Can a disease that affects the brain show up in your blood? Yes, according to a study out of the Scripps Research Institute in Florida that shows promise for detecting Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia in the blood. The principle behind the test is that the body’s immune system responds to invaders by creating antibodies. Identify and test for the antibodies and you’ll find evidence of the disease.

 

HEY, WASN’T THIS US?   Sure was…. every last line!!

A little house with three bedrooms, one bathroom and one car on the street.  A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat. 

In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone, and no need for recording things, someone was always home. 

We only had a living room where we would congregate, unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate. 

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine. When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine. 

We only had one TV set and channels maybe two, but always there was one of them with something worth the view. 

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip. And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton’s onion dip. 

Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook and nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker’s book. 

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play. We all did things together even go to church to pray. 

When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather, no one stayed at home because we liked to be together. 

Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own, but we knew where the others were without our own cell phone. 

Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star, and nothing can compare to watching movies in your car. 

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason. 

Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know, have real action playing ball and no game video. 

Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend, and didn’t need insurance or a lawyer to defend? 
 
The way that he took care of you or what he had to do, because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you. 

Remember going to the store and shopping casually, and when you went to pay for it you used your own money? 

Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount, and remember when the cashier person had to really count? 

The milkman used to go from door to door, And it was just a few cents more than going to the store. 

There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door, without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every store. 

The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent; there were not loads of mail addressed to “present occupant.” 

There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take, and you would know the kind of car, the model and the make. 
 
They didn’t look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile; they were streamlined, white walls, fins and really had some style.   

One time the music that you played whenever you would jive, was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five. 

The record player had a post to keep them all in line and then the records would drop down and play one at a time. 

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today and always we were striving, trying for a better way. 

Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun, how can you explain a game, just kick the can and run?  

And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes and for a nickel, red machines had little bottled Cokes? 
  This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways.  I love the new technology but I sure do miss those days. So times moves on and so do we and nothing stays the same, but I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.

IF I DIDN’T HAVE A DOG OR CAT

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.

When the doorbell rings, it wouldn’t sound like a kennel.

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, with out taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.

I would have money, and no guilt to go on a real vacation.

I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grandkids through college.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.

I would not talk ‘baby talk’.  ‘Eat your din din’. ‘Yummy yummy for the tummy’…

My house would not look like a day care center, toys everywhere.

My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L,, W-A-L-K,, T-R-E-A-T,, O-U-T,, G-O,, R-I-D-E,, C-O-O-K-I-E   I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.

I’d look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading ‘mud’ season.

I would not have to answer the question: ‘Why do you have so many animals?’ from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by someone as close to an ANGEL as they will ever get.

How EMPTY my life would be!!!                                                                                 Submitted by Ted

 

 

BROWSING OLD CEMETERIES

Apparently people have always had a sense of humor and some were skilled composers.   Note the dates on some of these.

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:  Born 1903–died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.  It was.      Submitted by Ted

Friendship Week

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.   He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.

“Mister,” he said, “I want to buy one of your Puppies.”

“Well,” said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, “These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.”

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

“I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?”

“Sure,” said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. “Here, Dolly!” he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up.

“I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy’s side and said,

“Son, you don’t want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.”

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, “You see sir, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.”

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

“How much?” asked the little boy. “No charge,” answered the farmer, “There’s no charge for love.”

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.

After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak….

“When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me… the only thing that would comfort was this verse.

“Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so.

Little ones to Him belong, we are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me….  The Bible tells me so.”

The old pastor stated, “I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children’s hymn ‘Jesus Loves Me’ (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best.”

“Here for you now is a senior version of Jesus Loves Me”:

JESUS LOVES ME

Jesus loves me, this I know, Though my hair is white as snow

Though my sight is growing dim, Still He bids me trust in Him.                 

CHORUS

YES, JESUS LOVES ME. YES, JESUS LOVES ME.

YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow, with my hand in His I’ll go

On through life, let come what may, He’ll be there to lead the way.

CHORUS

When the nights are dark and long, In my heart He puts a song..

Telling me in words so clear, “Have no fear, for I am near.”

 CHORUS

When my work on earth is done, and life’s victories have been won.

He will take me home above, then I’ll understand His love.

CHORUS

I love Jesus, does He know? Have I ever told Him so?

Jesus loves to hear me say, that I love Him every day.

God Bless Us All!!!     IN GOD WE TRUST                                                               Submitted by Chery

l

SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS

A row of bottles on my shelf caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I have to pop goes to my heart so it won’t stop.

A little white one that I take goes to my hands so they won’t shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot tell me I’m happy when I’m not.

The purple pill goes to my brain and tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all, go to my blood so I won’t fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills, help to cure all kinds of ills.

But what I’d really like to know is what tells each one where to go!

Aah, the Golden Years!

(Really; the only thing golden is the color of your urine from taking all those dammed pills!!!)

Observations on Growing Older

  1. Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them but your grandchildren are perfect!
  2. Going out is good. Coming home is better!
  3. When people say you look “Great” they think and/or add “for your age!”
  4. When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything; movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.
  5. You forget names … but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
  6. The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
  7. You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything especially golf.
  8. Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.
    The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.
  9. Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep”.
  10. Remember when your mother said “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”?
  11. Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

 

  1. You used to say,” I hope my kids GET married. Now, “I hope they STAY married!”
  2. You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.
  3. When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
  4. You used to use more 4 letter words “what?”” when?”???
  5. Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.
  6. Your husband has a night out with the guys but he’s home by 9:00 P.M-.next week it will be 8:30
  7. You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.
  8. Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!
  9. What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
  10. Everybody whispers.
  11. Now that your husband has retired you’d give anything if he’d find a job!
  12. You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .2 of which you will never wear.

But old is good in some things: old songs old movies and best of all OLD FRIENDS!!

Love you, “OLD FRIEND!”                                                                             Submitted by Barbara

Laughter is the Best Medicine

LAUGH A LITTLE EVERY DAY.

 

Baptizing an Irishman

 

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.   He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher…

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’

The drunk shouts, ‘Yes, oi am.’

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

‘Brother have you found Jesus?’

The drunk replies, ‘No, oi haven’t found Jesus.’

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He  again pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus me brother?’

The drunk again answers, ‘No, oi I haven’t found Jesus.’

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his  arms and legs he pulls

him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, ‘For the love of God have you found Jesus?’

Are you   ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’                                                                 Submitted by Ted

 

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Toronto’s Terminal 3 airport. The first lady was an arrogant Upper Canadian married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from Corner Brook, Newfoundland.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the Upper Canadian woman started by saying,

 “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from Corner Brook commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued,

“When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. Again, the lady from Corner Brook commented,

“Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Corner Brook lady commented,

“Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman then asked her companion,

“What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Corner Brook lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”

The elderly Corner Brook lady responded,

“Well for example, instead of saying

“Who gives a s—?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious”                          submitted  by Barbara

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here right now thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!  Must be where ‘Smart Ass’ came from                                                                                                                                                                          Submitted by Barbara

 

 

Choose your weapon

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said the boy, “I challenged Larry to a duel, and, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his big sister!”

Computer down

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computers down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”

“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”

“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asked the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan.”

The Old Newfie after living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life decided it was time to visit St. John’s.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.  Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, ‘How ’bout that!’ he exclaims, ‘here’s a picture of me Fadder.’

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing’, he would

go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.  One day after her husband left, she searched the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So dat’s the ugly b…. he’s runnin’ round wit.’              

 
Holy Prostitutes  

 

 A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye…It reads: 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you my son?’

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business’

‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’ He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him the door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

Go in peace.  You have just been screwed by the sisters of St. Francis. Serves you right you sinner.                                                                                                                                           Submitted by Barbara

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, “Where have you been?”

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a small green land area jutting into the sea between the Bay of Fundy and the Atlantic Ocean, and said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s Nova Scotia, the most beautiful place on earth. There is rolling countryside changing colour with every season, rivers and streams, lakes for fishing, forests, hills, and all around the ocean and beautiful beaches. The people from Nova Scotia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of many good things.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled, “Not very far from Nova Scotia is a place called Ottawa. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”

Tragedy or Accident

Stephen Harper was visiting an Ontario primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.  The teacher asked Mr. Harper if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.  A little boy stood up and offered:  “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin’ in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy”.  
“Incorrect”, said Harper. “That would be an accident”.

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy”. 
“I’m afraid not”, explained Harper, “that’s what we would refer to as a great loss”.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.  Harper searched the room. 
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?” 
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:  “If a  plane carrying you and Mr. Ignatieff and Mr. Layton and Mr. Duceppe and you  were struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile & blown to  smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

“Fantastic”, exclaimed Harper,” and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” 
“Well”, said Johnny, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a accident either!”                                                                                    Submitted by Barbara

For my teacher friends

I am still laughing…the language is exactly as I received it…a good one! … And so true to life as it is, in the classroom these days!!  Teacher: if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,

How many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Very angry Teacher: Where the do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I have one at home!!!                                                        Submitted by Barbara


Next time
you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this… 

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne. After almost ten hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

‘But we didn’t use them,’ the man complains

‘Well, they are here, and you could have,’ explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. ‘The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,’ the Manager says.

‘But we didn’t go to any of those shows, ‘complains the man again. 

‘Well, we have them, and you could have,’ the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions!  The man replies, ‘But we didn’t use it!’

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.  ‘But sir,’ he says, ‘this cheque is only made out for $50.00.’

‘That’s correct,’ says the man.  ‘I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.’ 

‘But I didn’t!’ exclaims the Manager. 

‘Well, too bad,’ the man replies. ‘She was here and you could have!’                  Submitted by Ted

Sex and Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what was in store for him.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’

When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

 The man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?” Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”  Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.                                                                                Submitted by Barbara

 

HISTORY

The Royal Victoria Hospital is affiliated to McGill University as a teaching hospital and share many staff members. The Royal Victoria Hospital inherited the functions and various records of the University Lying-In Hospital, which opened in 1843, became known as the Montreal Maternity Hospital in 1887 and became part of R.V.H. in 1926.

The Royal Vic as it is popularly known as was established in 1893, through the financial contributions of two Scottish immigrants, Donald Smith and George Stephen. Over the years, the philanthropy of many prominent members of Montreal’s English speaking community helped make the hospital a major centre of healthcare and learning.

In 1920, the hospital became a medical research institute through the Faculty of Medicine of McGill University. In 1929, Dr. Wilder Penfield established the Montreal Neurological Institute adjacent to the hospital. Among the list of medical achievements at the Royal Victoria, the first successful organ transplant in the Commonwealth was performed there in 1958, by a team led by nephrologist John Dossetor and surgeons Joe Luke and Ken MacKinnon. Today, the Royal Victoria Hospital is part of the McGill University Health Centre.                                                                          Submitted by Frank

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