MAY 2012 Old Bones News

May 12, 2012

“OLD BONES” NEWS

MAY 2012

Our April 23rd Sugaring off party was a great success. The company was wonderful; the food so delicious we stuffed ourselves; the service was excellent; the atmosphere warm and inviting. Thank you, Myriam and Joanne for arranging it for us.

 

A THOUGHT TO REMEMBER

1      When you talk you learn nothing, when you listen you learn what others know.

2      An acre of performance is worth a world of promise.

3      Only those who can see the invisible can do the impossible.

4      We can’t change the message, the message changes us.

5      Of all the tonics devised by humanity, none is as stimulating as a good days’         work.

6      The most painful wound is a stab of conscience.

7      The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person.

8      About the only thing a person can do on a shoestring now-a-days is trip.

9      What you are is God’s gift to you, what you make of yourself is your gift to God.

10     Biscuits and sermons are improved by shortening.           Submitted by Edith

 

Water at night By a Cardiac Specialist

 

Something I didn’t know:  I asked my Doctor why we urinate so much at night time.

 

Cardiac Doctor’s Answer: When you are upright gravity holds water in the lower part of your body.  When you lie down, the lower body (legs and other things) are on a level with the kidneys making it easier for the kidneys to remove the water. This then ties in with the last statement!

 

I knew we need a minimum amount of water to help flush the toxins out of your body, but this was news to me.

 

Drinking water at a certain time maximizes its effectiveness on the body:

 

 2 glasses of water after waking up – helps activate internal organs

 

 1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal – helps digestion

 

 1 glass of water before taking a bath – helps lower blood pressure

 

 1 glass of water before going to bed – avoids stroke or heart attack

 

My Physician told me that water at bed time will also help prevent night time leg cramps.  Your leg muscles are seeking hydration when they cramp and wake you up with a Charlie Horse.                                               Submitted by Barbara & Joyce

 

 Here’s a little poem for you.

 

Another year has passed and we’re all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter, and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago when life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand about ‘Living in the Past’

 

We used to go to weddings, football games and lunches.

Now we go to funeral homes, and after-funeral brunches.

 

We used to have hangovers, from parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches and wile the night away.

 

We used to go out dining, and couldn’t get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and take a pill.

 

We used to often travel to places near and far.

Now we get sore asses from riding in the car.

 

We used to go to nightclubs and drink a little booze.

Now we stay home at night and watch the evening news.

 

That, my friend is how life is and now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up…before you’re too damned old!

Submitted by Barbara

 

Noah’s Ark: Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah’sArk

 

ONE          Don’t miss the boat.

TWO:        Remember that we are all in the same boat!

THREE:      Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built theArk.

FOUR:       Stay fit. When you’re 60 + years old, someone may ask you to do                     something really big.

FIVE:         Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX:          Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN:      For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT:      Speed isn’t always an advantage. Snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE:        When you’re stressed, float awhile.

TEN:          Remember, theArkwas built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN:     No matter the storm, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

 

 

Most people walk in and out of your life, but FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart.

                                                                                Submitted by Barbara

 

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

 

Q:     Why do ships and aircraft use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?

A:     This comes from the French word m’aidez -meaning ‘help me’ and is   pronounced, approximately, ‘mayday.’

 

Q.     If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would         find the letter ‘A’?
A.     One thousand

 

Q.     What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers         have in common?
A.     All were invented by women.

Q.     What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A.     Honey

 

Q:     Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A:     It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a         poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both        men would drink it simultaneously.  When a guest trusted his host, he would    only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.                                               

Q:     In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?

A.     When Mary Queen of Scots went toFranceas a young girl; Louis King ofFrance        learned that she loved the Scots game ‘golf.’ So he had the first course outside   ofScotlandbuilt for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned      (and guarded) while she played,

        Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this lot         and when returned toScotland(not a very good idea in the long run), she took   the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘c a-day’ and the        Scots changed it into ‘caddie.

 

 

Can you read this?

 

Did I like nut another to it send, do to better anything have doesn’t that person a like this reading time sweet your took you since.

 

Now read it backwards!                                                Submitted by Barbara

 

 

QUOTE: “If a man does his best, what else is there?”  – General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

 

DID YOU KNOW?

 

It was the accepted practice inBabylon4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in oldEngland, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’  It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’

 

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

 

 

FYI, the lead singer of the Diamonds is also the father of Tom Hanks

 

If you were alive in 1957, and old enough to enjoy Rock and Roll, you will probably remember the group, “The Diamonds” who had just launched their super hit “Little Darlin’ “. For you that are too young to remember – it was a time when the performers were happy, enjoying themselves, respecting their fans, dressed appropriately and their lyrics could be understood. They did not feel obligated to scream, eat the microphone, mumble inaudible lyrics or trash the set.

 

In 1957, The Diamonds had a hit with “Little Darlin”. 47 years later, they were requested to perform atAtlantic City.

 

This link leads to both performances. Watch the first one then scroll down for the new one 47 years later

 http://www.flixxy.com/the-diamonds-little-darlin-1957-2004..htm

 

QUOTES:

I Love This: I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday and I love today.                                                                            Submitted by Barbara
“People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.”       –                                               Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

 

Laughter is the Best Medicine

 

A VIRUS is going round called HOUSEWORK!

 

If you feel the need to start housework, stop immediately. This virus wipes out your social life. If you should come in contact, with housework go straight to the nearest store & buy the only known antidote which is called – CHOCOLATE.

 

Please immediately warn at least 6 friends.   If you realize you do not have 6 friends you are already infected.                                            Submitted by Barbara

 

 

 

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $5.99.

 

‘Sounds good,’ my wife said.  ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’

 

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you  $7.50 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.

 

‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’  My wife asked incredulously.

 

‘YES!!’ stated the waitress.

 

‘I’ll take the special then’, said my wife.

 

‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.

 

‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied.  She took the eggs home and baked a cake.

 

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!   We’ve been around the block more than once!

                                                                                        Submitted by Nasir

 

While driving inPennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign…

“Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

 

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Target.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picked up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”

 

He never knew what hit him.                                         Submitted by Stella

 
A woman goes to the Doctor inGlasgow, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.  The Doc asks: “What’s the problem, Janet?

The woman says: “Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon’.”

 

The Doctor says: “Aye, well… I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep.”

 

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: “Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an’ swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

 

Tell me Doc…Wha’s the secret? How’s the water do that?”

 

The Doctor says: “Janet, it’s really nae big secret. The water does bugger all – it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…”           Submitted by Greet

 

 

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question,

 

“Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?”  The teacher asked.

“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… ”

 

Three Ladies in a Sauna

 

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

 

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly.

‘That was my pager,’ she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

 

A  minute later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.

 

When she finished, she explained, ‘that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.’

 

The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.  She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said well, will you look at that I’m getting a fax!!

 

Gotta love the ‘old gals’!!!!                                           Submitted by Jocelyn

 


A little guy
is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs the little guys drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy.  “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don’t have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. 
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then a wise guy like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!”

 

WHY DO WE LOVE CHILDREN?

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,

‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.

My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’

‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her.

‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

 

POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.  ‘It sure is,’ I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me & then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

 

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

 

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

(I want this line used at my funeral!)                             Submitted by Stella

 

The Bathtub Test

 

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him,

“How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”                                                                   Submitted by Stella

 

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON…OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

 

WHEN I SAY I’M BROKE – I’M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time,

 I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

 

”Go away!” said the old lady. ”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open…
“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. ”Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

 

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”                                                      Submitted by Ted

 

 

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

 

“Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I’ve just received word that the Durex factory inWashingtonhas burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entireUSAsupply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week.”

 

Obama: “Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those surplus babies. We’ll be ruined. We’ll have to ship some in fromMexico.”

 

Telephone voice says, “Bad idea.  The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We’ll be a laughing stock. What aboutCanada?”

 

Obama: “Okay, I’ll call Stephen Harper and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long  & 3 inches thick. That way, they’ll continue to respect us as Americans.”

 

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found the contents exactly as requested except they were all colored with red maple leaves with small writing on each one: 
MADE IN CANADA – SIZE: SMALL

 

 Forward this if you’re proud to be Canadian!                   Submitted by Barbara

 

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

 

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife in her birthday suit in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for around. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the *** clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

 

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”
The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

 

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you.”  

“I don’t know” replies the man, “picture this, I’m buck naked hiding’ in this cedar chest…..”                                                                   Submitted by Barbara

 

 

QUOTES:

 

 

“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” – Charlton Heston (1924-2008)

 

 

“You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.”

– Ayn Rand (1905-1982)

 

“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” –                          Charlton Heston (1924-2008)

 

HISTORY

 

Victory in Europe:  The news flash reachedCanada at 9:36 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time on May 7, 1945:  “Germany has surrendered unconditionally” This time the news was real. There had been two earlier reports; one erroneous and the second officially premature.

 

The military surrender agreement for the German armed forces was signed at a schoolhouse inRheims,France, at 2:41 a.m. local time on May 7, 1945.  But there were no confirming bulletins from other news organizations. Allied headquarters had ordered the news withheld for 24 hours, even though German radio had announced the surrender.    That news did reach Canadian soldiers inHolland; church bells rang across the country, and the troops took part in celebrations inUtrechtandAmsterdam.

 

On May 7, 1945, within minutes of a CBC bulletin thatGermanyhad surrendered unconditionally, crowds flooded onto Rue Ste-Catherine inMontrealand acrossNorth America. The parties dampened down when people heard that the news could be wrong again.

 

At 3 in the afternoon, the BBC announced that British Prime Minister Winston Churchill would address the Empire at 9 a.m. the next morning. Later,Washingtonsaid President Harry Truman would speak to the American people at the same time.

 

Something was definitely up, and 6 hours later the celebrations started up again when the German surrender was confirmed. There were official celebrations acrossCanada, including a parade on Parliament Hill inOttawa, crowds filled the streets ofTorontoandMontreal, and there were victory parades in small towns. Times Square inNew York Cityand Piccadilly Circus inLondonwere packed.

 

InHalifax, there were riots. The city was overcrowded, filled with navy and army personnel. For months there had been tension -many in the armed forces resented what they considered an indifferent or hostile attitude from the civilian residents

 

Restaurants & liquor stores inHalifaxandDartmouthwere closed, but once the celebrations began some people began breaking into the liquor stores. What began as small incidents became widespread vandalism. In the end, three people were dead, 207 shops were looted, a total of 554 businesses damaged & many arrested.

 

Across the Atlantic, the surrender of the government ofGermanywas signed &ratified inBerlinat 11 p.m. local time, 6 p.m. EDT. After the ceremony, there was an official banquet for the victors, hosted by the Soviet commander, Marshal Georgy Zhukov.

InMoscow, theSoviet Unionproclaimed what it called “Victory Day” would begin at midnight, May 9.                                                                 Submitted by Frank

 

The 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic

 

150 Titanic victims were buried in Halifax, the largest number anywhere in the world, in ceremonies from May 3 to June 12, 1912. 

 

Nineteen are in theMountOlivetCatholicCemetery, ten are in the Baron de Hirsch Jewish Cemetery and 121 are in theFairviewLawnCemetery.  Of these, 42 remain unidentified. 

 

Most of the gravestones, erected in the fall of 1912 and paid for by the White Star Line, are plain granite blocks.  In some cases, however, families, friends or other groups chose to commission a larger and more elaborate gravestone.  All of these more personalized graves, including the striking Celtic cross and the beautiful monument to the “Unknown Child”, are located atFairviewLawnCemeteryinHalifax.

 

 

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