July 2010 “OLD BONES” News

July 1, 2010

HAPPY CANADA DAY!
♫ Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! ♫
Happy Birthday, Dear Madeleine ♫♫ Happy Birthday to you!

Jul 15 to Jul 25 – Elm Tree
Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) — pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Jul 26 to Aug 04 – Cypress Tree
Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) — strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn’t necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.

Father’s Day Celebration
The ladies of Almage – Rosemount St. Michel satellite group paid special tribute to Frank, Miron and Ted on Monday the 21st of June.

All the ladies in the group wore colorful scarves and/or neckties to show our respect and affection for the men in our group.

Father’s Day is a day to honor all men who have acted as a father figure in your life – whether as stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers, or “Big Brothers.” Therefore I feel that in celebrating Ted, Miron and Frank on father’s day we also celebrated their fathers and our fathers with a special “Father’s Day” dinner prepared by our gracious chef Ivylin.

Quotes:

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. ~Bill Cosby
I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week. ~Mario Cuomo

The greatest gift I ever had Came from God; I call him Dad! ~Author Unknown

Father! – To God himself we cannot give a holier name. ~William Wordsworth

It is a wise father that knows his own child. ~ William Shakespeare

Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad. ~ Author Unknown

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty. ~Author Unknown

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. ~Phyllis Diller

Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow. ~Reed Markham

Children’s Letters to God

Dear God, My father is very smart. Maybe he could help you. Margo

Dear God, My father is mean. Please get him not to be. But don’t hurt him. Sincerely, Martin

Dear God, My father can never get a fire burning. Could you make a burning bush in our yard? Sherry.

Dear God, My father said kids is the best time in life. Please tell him what good is it if we never get to stay up and watch anything. Jo

Dear God, You are one of my two favorite men in the world. Patti

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Montreal guides get a chuckle – Tourists in Montreal ask the darnedest questions.

For instance, how do you get to the street for left-handed women? Or, where is Pie Nine? Where’s the Pont Bridge?

About 10 million visitors are expected in Montreal this year. Pierre Bellerose, research development officer for the Montreal Tourist and Convention Bureau, said this is 5 per cent more than last year.

With that many strangers around, gaffes and outright misunderstandings are to be expected.

“The majority of tourists are great. Most people on vacation are happy, in a good mood.” said Lise Pasquette, supervisor of the tourist-information office in Place Jacques Cartier. But occasionally, silly things happen.

Not a summer goes by without someone trying to get a room for the night at the Hotel de Ville, which isn’t a hotel but city hall. Similarly, a reservation clerk at the Info Tourist office in Dorchester Square had a hard time convincing a persistent traveler that an advertisement for chambers a lair
Valcartier wasn’t for air-conditioned hotel rooms, but for inner tubes at a water slide.

Beatriz Mediavilla Saenz, 22, a tourist info officer in Old Montreal had tourists who wanted to know whether Jacques Cartier was the famous jeweler and whether the Macdonald statue downtown honours the McDonald’s fast food chain. In a related vein, one American not all the impressed with Canada’s colored currency dismissed the purple $20.00 bill as McDonald’s money.

And, yes, people do ask why Mr. A. Vendre and Mr. A. Louer have the building monopoly in Montreal.

“The tourists from France are very hard to understand at first” said tour officer Stephan Wikaryak, “The way French people pronounce names, it takes a second to figure out what they mean. They say things like ‘How do you get to Ma Gilles’, and it takes a second to realize they are talking about McGill.”

Lise Paquette still gets a kick out of the tourist who wanted to know how to find the street for left-handed women. It’s La Gauchetiere. In French, la gauchere means a left-handed female.

“Many visitors are disoriented, they really have no idea where they are,” said Julie Lapierre, an Info-Tourisre guide. “They think Toronto is in Quebec, or that all North America is the United States.” Like the man who refused to listen to advice on how to get his GST rebate when he went through Canada Customs.

“You don’t understand, “he thundered. I’m going back to New York.”

Christian Messier, Patrice Joly and Vincent Garneau, guides at Notre Dame Basilica across from Place d’Armes, get frustrated when tourists ask: “How much is the church worth? How much did the altar cost?”

They quietly choke when they are berated for speaking French among themselves.
“Why do you speak French to each other when you can all speak English?” one woman complained.

Other tour guides are amused whenever tourists ask how to find the French quarter.

One information officer was thoroughly stumped when someone asked him how to get to the Miracle Mart. The visitor wasn’t referring to the defunct department store chain but to St. Joseph’s Oratory.

Then there was the person who was given a looney in a handful of change. When he asked what it was before anyone could explain the dollar coin, his companion from Michigan confidently assured him: “Why, that must be one of those French quarters they have up here.”

The subtleties of the referendum debate seem to be lost on many visitors. Consider the well meaning but totally befuddled individual from South Carolina who commiserated with one Anglophone resident. “Your city is so nice,” he said. “You people are all so friendly. It’s a shame you don’t have any freedom.” Submitted by Pat M

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something
“Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Submitted by Ted

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they periodically encourage husband marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I’m a gonna go pick her up.”

In Quebec, (This explanation is for non-Canadians.) the French do not pronounce the letter ‘H’. For example Hot Dog is pronounced Ot Dog and Hudson Hardware is pronounced Udson Ardware.

They also insert an ‘H’ where there is none, by saying hany instead of any and hall instead of all.

One day in a French Immersion Class for 1st graders, the teacher was asking her class to describe the use of Ozonol.

Little Mary got up and explained that she had fallen while roller skating and scratched her knee. She went home and her Mother cleaned the cut and put a bandage with Ozonol on her knee and it was all better.

The teacher was so proud and then asked other children if they had any explanation of the word.

Little Pierre raised his hand and started to explain. ‘Well Teacher, da udder nite, me an my fodder are watching da Montreal and Pittsburgh game 7 Ockey Game. An den in da turd period my mudder start to do da vaccum. Den, my fodder, yell at my mudder, ai, ai, ai, ai, Tabarnack Louise, put dat dam ting haway now or I’ll stick it up your hass …Ose an all’.

The teacher fainted. Submitted by Ted

After putting her grand children to bed a grand mother changed into her old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room she heard the three year old say with a trembling voice
“Who was that? “
Submitted by Pat

Why We Love Children submitted by Barbara

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil.
‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently.
‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him
‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’
The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy.’

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later……’Da-ad….’
‘What?’
‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’
‘No, You had your chance. Lights out.’
Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad……’
‘WHAT?’
‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??’
‘I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’
Five minutes later……’Daaaa-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT!’
‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?’
The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone,
‘Yes and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’

When I was six months pregnant with my third child my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’
I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.’
‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….’
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’
The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’
‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked
‘Yes,’ he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’
The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’
The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH is four.’

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.’
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown.’
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?’
She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ‘…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’
The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘and what do you think that farmer said?’
One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said:
‘Holy s..t! A talking chicken!”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A little girl asked her mother, ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’
Her mother replied, ‘No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.’
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, if I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.’
She says, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’
Why We Love Children submitted by Barbara

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.

I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Submitted by Ted

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here right now thinking how nice it is that wrinkles & fat don’t hurt.

As I’ve aged

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.

As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend. I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn’t need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love … I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it)
Submitted by Barbara

A Sign of old age…One day you look into the mirror and realize the face you are shaving is your father’s.

QUOTE: I write down everything I want to remember. So, instead of spending time trying to remember what it was I wrote down, I spend time looking for the paper I wrote it on…Anonymous
Submitted by Ted

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

and MY Favourite!! WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Submitted by Ted

Sayings from Dolores

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch ’em – He’ll clean ’em.

I knew I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.

What are seniors worth? – We are worth a fortune!

Remember that old folks are worth a fortune with silver in their hair –
Gold in their teeth,
Stones in their kidney,
Lead in their feet, and Gas in their stomachs
Submitted by Pat M.

Just in Case You Get a Cheque

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment i.e HST rebate. This is a very exciting program from the Québec government. I’ll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is Québec’s Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.

Q Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A. Shut up or you won’t get your check.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala.
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Or, you can keep the money in Canada by:
1. Spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. Going to baseball or football games, or
3. Hiring ladies of the night, or
4. Buying cheap beer or
5. Getting tattoos. These are the only wholly-owned businesses still operating in Canada.

Conclusion: So, the best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a lady of the night that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you’re drunk enough to go get tattooed. TFE…isn’t?
Submitted by Barbara

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here’s a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual reply from FHA):
“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):
“Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ‘s expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?”

The loan was immediately approved. Submitted by Ted

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers … and then there are educators. J

Passed along by Police Department & Courthouse

Several things to be aware of this year…as gangs and robbers are now plotting different ways to get a person to “stop” their vehicle.

Please note:

1) There is a gang initiation reported by the local police department that gangs are placing a car seat by the road with a fake baby in it…. waiting for a woman, of course, to stop and check on the baby…

Note that the location of this car seat will usually be beside a wooded or grassy (field) area …and the person – woman – will be dragged into the woods- beaten and raped- usually left for dead.

DO NOT STOP. DIAL 9-1-1 AND INFORM THEM…..

2) if you are driving at night and eggs are thrown at your windshield.
Do not operate the wiper and spray any water because eggs mixed with water become milky and block your vision up to 92.5% so you are forced to stop beside the road and become a victim of robbers. This is a new technique used by robbers.
Submitted by Ted
Quote:

“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” Hamlet, I, iii, William Shakespeare
Submitted by Ted

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

I checked these on snopes and a couple other sites. They’re for real and totally work! The best part is they cost next to nothing and may already be available!!! Check these out…

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetable while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For High-Blood-Pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins ~ remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives ~ this will make you stop and think before coughing.

6. You only need two tools in life, WD-40 & Duct Tape ~ if it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40 ~ If it shouldn’t move and it does, use the Duct Tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer ~ you’ve got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought:
Some questionable people are like “Slinkies” ~ not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
Submitted by Barbara

HEALTH
Is coffee good or bad for me? From Donald Hensrud, M.D.

Coffee has a long history of being blamed for many ills — from the humorous “It will stunt your growth” to the not-so-humorous claim that it causes heart disease and cancer. But recent research indicates that coffee may not be so bad after all. So which is it — good or bad? The best answer may be that for most people the health benefits outweigh the risks.

Recent studies have generally found no connection between coffee and an increased risk of cancer or heart disease. Earlier studies didn’t always take into account that known high-risk behaviors, such as smoking and physical inactivity, tended to be more common among heavy coffee drinkers at that time

However, the research appears to bear out some risks. High consumption of unfiltered coffee is associated with mild elevations in cholesterol levels. And another study found that two or more cups of coffee a day can increase the risk of heart disease in people with a specific — and fairly common — genetic mutation that slows the breakdown of caffeine in the body. So, how quickly you metabolize coffee may affect your health risk.

Newer studies have also shown that coffee may have benefits, such as protecting against Parkinson’s disease, type 2 diabetes and liver cancer. And it has a high content of antioxidants.

But this doesn’t mean you should disregard the old maxim “Everything in moderation.” Although coffee may not be very harmful keep in mind that coffee accompaniments such as cream and sugar add fat and calories to your diet.

Finally, heavy caffeine use — on the order of four to seven cups of coffee a day — can cause problems such as restlessness, anxiety, irritability and sleeplessness, particularly in susceptible individuals.

On A Serious Note:

Information that could save your life – House fires

Received from a friend who is in the insurance property business.

The original message was written by a lady whose brother and wife learned a hard lesson this past week. Their house burnt down… nothing left but ashes. They have good insurance so the house will be replaced and most of the contents. That is the good news.

However, they were sick when they found out the cause of the fire. The insurance investigator sifted through the ashes for several hours. He had the cause of the fire traced to the master bathroom. He asked her sister-in-law what she had plugged in the bathroom. She listed the normal things….curling iron, blow dryer.

He kept saying to her, ‘No, this would be something that would disintegrate at high temperatures’. Then her sister-in-law remembered she had a Glade Plug-In, in the bathroom.

The investigator had one of those ‘Aha’ moments. He said that was the cause of the fire. He has seen more house fires started with the plug-in type room fresheners than anything else. He said the plastic they are made from is THIN. He also said that in every case there was nothing left to prove that it even existed. When the investigator looked in the wall plug, the two prongs left from the plug-in were still in there.

Her sister-in-law had one of the plug-ins that had a small night light built in it. She said she had noticed that the light would dim and then finally go out. She would walk in to the bathroom a few hours later, and the light would be back on again.

The investigator said that the unit was getting too hot, and would dim and go out rather than just blow the light bulb. Once it cooled down it would come back on. That is a warning sign

The investigator said he personally wouldn’t have any type of plug in fragrance device anywhere in his house. He has seen too many places that have been burned down due to them.
Submitted by Barbara & Ted

From newspapers and the web

Racing pigeon gets a lift home… in the cockpit of a passenger jet By Craig McDonald

A CHAMPION pigeon was flown home yesterday after it crash-landed in a pilot’s garden.

The racing bird – nickname Biggles – was carried in the cockpit of a jet after a mishap en route home to Scotland.

It’s believed the bird injured a wing in a hailstorm. The doo was found in Captain Mike Smith’s garden in Ilkley, Yorkshire.

Mike’s family nursed the bird back to health then got permission to fly it back to its home in Edinburgh.

Mike, who works for budget airline Jet2.com, said: “My children Cameron and Ashleigh found the bird at the bottom of our garden.

“He was looking a little sorry for himself and had clearly injured one of his wings, so my wife, whose father is a gamekeeper, nursed him back to health.

“The kids nicknamed him Biggles.

“I managed to get in touch with Steve after finding his contact details around the bird’s leg.

“I’m so pleased I was able to help Biggles finish his journey. He’s a chirpy, little chap.”

Biggles was reunited with his owner Steve Girdwood yesterday after being flown by Mike from Leeds-Bradford airport to Edinburgh.

Dad-of-one Steve, 38, of Sighthill, said: “I was overjoyed to hear from Captain Smith.

“The pigeon is one of my fastest birds and was fifth out of 1000 racers on his last competitive outing. When he didn’t return home after a few days, I thought something must be badly wrong but the wee fella did well to choose a pilot’s garden to land in.

“He didn’t have a name until now but I think Biggles fits him pretty well.

“He’s certainly had an adventure he won’t forget for some time.”

Jet2.com boss Philip Meeson said: “We’ve carried lions and members of the Royal Family before – but this is our first VIP pigeon passenger.”

Dear Ann (Landers):
I ran across a little essay that had a profound effect on me. It appeared in a book by Merle Shain. Please share it with your readers. Mrs. J

“And the Lord said to the rabbi, “Come I will show you hell.” They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone was famished and desperate. Each held a spoon that reached the

pot, but each spoon had a handle so long that it could not be used to reach each person’s mouth. The suffering was terrible.

“Come now I will show you heaven. The Lord said after a while. They entered another room, identical al to the first – the pot of stew, the group of people, and the same long spoons. But there everyone was happy and nourished.

‘I don’t understand, said the rabbi, “: Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything is the same? The Lord smiled, “Ah, but don’t you see? He said. ‘Here they have learned to feed each other.” Submitted by Frank

When Grandma Goes to Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked. “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, and cheat on your wife, any you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than just a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense lawyer?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, Ill send you both to the electric chair.”

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Toronto scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Ontarian’s, in the weeks that followed, a Vancouver archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Vancouver Province: “BC archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than Ontario”.

One week later, the Saskatoon Star Phoenix in Saskatoon, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, James Krawchuk, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. James has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, Saskatchewan had already gone wireless.” Just makes you bloody proud to be from Saskatchewan! j

The annual Dominion Institute Canada Day survey looks at how well Canadians know the history of their country. In 2005, the institute combined the excitement of history with the drama of economics to come up with 20 skill-testing questions. As a whole, those surveyed didn’t do too well. Only one of the 1,000 people surveyed scored a perfect 20. Two-thirds got less than half the questions right. We’re sure you’ll do better!

1. The Canadian north was transformed in the late 1890s when 100,000 prospectors poured into the Yukon hoping to “strike it rich”. What name was given to this colourful period?
1 Klondike Gold Rush 2 The Yukon Rush
3 The Orange Order 4 The Red River Rebellion

2. What automobile company attempted to establish a luxury car production plant in New Brunswick in the 1970s only to abandon the project in bankruptcy with less than 3000 cars ever produced?
1 Ford 2 Delorean 3 Massey Ferguson 4 Bricklin

3. Which Canadian inventor created the first practical and commercially successful snowmobile?

1 Timothy Eaton 2 Alexander Graham Bell
3 Joseph Armand Bombardier 4 Frederick Banting

4. What event happened in Winnipeg in 1919?

1 A general strike 2 The Riel Rebellion 3 A great flood 4 The first NHL hockey game

5. Today, 85% of Canada’s exports go to the United States. What share of Canada’s exports went to the United States in 1900?

(1 ) 33% ( 2 ) 85% ( 3 ) 57% ( 4) 10%

6. The Hudson Bay Company is the world’s oldest chartered trading company, having been in business for 335 years. What product gave this company its start?

1 Blankets 2 Rifles 3 Fur 4 Canoes

7. After the 1929 stock market crash Canada experienced record levels of unemployment and a near collapse of exports. What is the name given to this dark chapter in our economic history?

1 The Roaring Twenties 2 The Great Recession 3 The Economic Bust
4 The Great Depression

8. What is the name of the trade agreement linking Canada, the United States, and Mexico that went into effect on January 1, 1994?

1 The Canada/US/Mexico Trade Agreement / CUMTA
2 The North American Free Trade Agreement / NAFTA
3 The Continental Trade Agreement / CTA
4 The North Atlantic Treaty Organization / NATO

9. Due to a shortage of coins in New France in the 17th century, settlers used which non-traditional form of currency?

1 Playing cards 2 Birch Bark 3 Muskets 4 Croissants

10. Canada has dealt with scandals like the one that led to the Gomery inquiry before. In 1874, John A. Macdonald’s government was brought down when it was discovered he awarded lucrative railway contracts in exchange for campaign funding. What was this scandal called?

1 The Sponsorship Scandal 2 The Pacific Scandal
3 The Railroad Scandal 4 The Macdonald Scandal

11. When was the last time that $1 Canadian was equal to $1 American?

(1) 1917 (2) 1937 (3) 1977 (4) 1997

12. What famous Canadian company launched a catalogue business based on its founder’s hopes that, “This catalogue is destined to go wherever the maple leaf grows?”

1 Consumer’s Distributing 2 Eaton’s 3 Victoria’s Secret 4 Wal-Mart

13. When did Canada eliminate the one dollar bill and replace it with the dollar coin?

(1) 1975 (2) 2001 (3) 1987 (4) 1994

14. What major Canadian economic policy of Pierre Trudeau’s government sparked the creation of a bumper sticker proclaiming “Let the Eastern bastards freeze in the dark?”

1 The Trudeau Program 2 National Oil Program
3 The Western Canada Program 4 National Energy Program

15. In 1911, Wilfrid Laurier’s Liberals lost the federal election because of their support for what agreement with the United States?

1 Shared Currency 2 Reciprocity/Free Trade
3 Annexation to the United States 4 Moving the border to the 51st parallel

16. After more than a decade of construction and a string of political scandals, what great Canadian engineering feat was completed in 1885 with the hammering of the Last Spike?

1 Confederation Bridge to Prince Edward Island 2 the Trans-Canada Highway
3 The CN Tower 4 Canadian Pacific Railway/CPR/Railway

17. What Toronto-based financial institution celebrated 150th anniversary in 2005?

1 Citibank 2 Canadian Tire 3 TD Bank Financial Group 4 Bank of Nova Scotia

18. What major world event brought over 1,000,000 women into the Canadian workforce?
1 Prohibition 2 EXPO 67 3 The Second World War 4 Auto Pact

19. What was the name of the ingenious combination of dried meat and berries that First Nations and Métis people produced to feed the fur traders during their long voyages into and out of the Canadian interior?

1 Pemmican 2 Beaver Tails 3 Bison burgers 4 Bannock

20. Name the cooperative financial institution that started with one office in the small town of Lévis, Québec in 1900 and today has more than five million members in four provinces.

1 Bank of Montreal 2 Caisse Populaire du Québec
3 The Cooperators 4 Caisse Populaire Desjardins
Answers to the quiz are on the last page.

Humanity

The headline caught my eye and I reeled in shock, 30,000 children between 7 and 18 are used as soldiers in three dozen wars around the world and further thirty millions are displaced by these conflicts robbed of their birthright, robber of their freewill, robbed of their dignity, robbed of Christian faith and robber of their mother’s love.

As I bowed my head in sorrow I could not but help think of the many men who had fought and lost their lives to prevent just this type of tragedy to happen. Was it in vain?
I cannot help but reflect on the words of a theologian I heard recently when she said that God made us to His image and He made us to perfection but as He looked into the oven at Auschwitch and saw the bleached bones He must have cried for He gave mankind freewill.

It has been 2000 years that the message rang out in the skies “Glory to God, Peace on Earth, the Savior is born.” As a human being He tackled the same issues that surround us this day and the guide lines He gave us are still sacred to this day.

He also kindled the flame of love in our hearts by His death and resurrection. That flame will never go out and will shine against all tyranny as long as humanity exists. Submitted by Frank

Prime Minister Political Party Year in Office

Sir John A. Macdonald Conservative 1867—73
Alexander Mackenzie Liberal 1873—78
Sir John A. Macdonald Conservative 1878—91
Sir John J. C. Abbott Conservative 1891—92
Sir John S. D. Thompson Conservative 1892—94
Sir Mackenzie Bowell Conservative 1894—96
Sir Charles Tupper Conservative 1896
Sir Wilfred Laurier Liberal 1896—1911
Sir Robert L. Borden Conservative/Unionist 1911—20
Arthur Meighen Conservative 1920—21
Wm Lyon Mackenzie King Liberal 1921—26
Arthur Meighen Conservative 1926
William Lyon Mackenzie King Liberal 1926—30

Prime Minister Political Party Year in Office CONTINUED

Richard B. Bennett Conservative 1930—35
William Lyon Mackenzie King Liberal 1935—48
Louis St. Laurent Liberal 1948—57
John G. Diefenbaker Progressive C 1957—63
Lester B. Pearson Liberal 1963—68
Pierre Elliott Trudeau Liberal 1968—79
Joseph (Joe) Clark Progressive C 1979—80
Pierre Elliott Trudeau Liberal 1980—84
John Turner Liberal 1984
Brian Mulroney Progressive C 1984—93
Kim Campbell Progressive C 1993
Jean Chrétien Liberal 1993-2003
Paul Martin Liberal 2003-06
Stephen Harper Conservative 2006

Answers: The annual Dominion Institute Canada Day survey from page 17

1 Klondike Gold Rush
2. Bricklin
3 Joseph Armand Bombardier
4. A general strike
5. 33%
6. Fur
7 The Great Depression
8. The North American Free Trade Agreement / NAFTA
9. Playing cards
10 The Pacific Scandal
11 1977
12 Eaton’s
13. 1987
14 National Energy Program
15 Reciprocity/Free Trade
16 Canadian Pacific Railway/CPR/Railway
17 TD Bank Financial Group
18 The Second World War
19 Pemmican
20 Caisse Populaire Desjardins

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Please send contributions for our ‘Old Bones Newsletter’ to: janetstubbert@hotmail.com
Remember to laugh…It’s good for the health!

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